S398 Much more self-conscious


Hello, I would like to share my story with you. I found my soul love oddly enough on a dating site. My wife died of cancer much too early at the age of 50 and I no longer wanted to sit on the couch alone. I signed up on December 26, 2017 and met her the same evening.
When I registered on the dating site and saw the different profiles + matching points, there was a very special woman who rose by at least 20% in points above all other ladies. I immediately felt that there was something very special about her and was immediately drawn to her. It was really as if a magnet was attracting me to her. It is a feeling that cannot be put into words.
It all started very innocently. We first chatted through an app and a day later we started calling each other with video images and then our lives changed completely. I knew EVERYTHING about her and she EVERYTHING about me. We felt each other 100% and really in everything. The sexual and spiritual tension really crackled between us. With my disbelief being sexually drawn to her and she to me spiritually. 
We both had no partner, so it soon became a deeply intense relationship in just under a week, and we soon had sex. However, we both had a very deep gut feeling that something was missing between us and that was a real crush. Our relationship was very intense because we loved each other so much but without any tension or butterflies in the belly. My girlfriend was there for me and I for her. We were at a very deep spiritual level.
Our relationship lasted only 4 weeks not because we did not love each other, we still do that as a sort of brother and sister, but because we both knew there was no love relationship. We were constantly attracting and repelling each other. It became so intense at one point that I eventually had to pull the plug out of the relationship because it didn’t make us both happier and I would probably have perished. We then let each other go very consciously and now we both have found a form of mental peace again.
I really wanted a real love relationship with her because she complements me completely and is a kind of mentor to me. I am a friend to her who shows her how beautiful and how special she is. My girlfriend has shown me with her openness in the field of sex what is possible and that has given me a boost and more self-confidence towards women. 
Now two weeks after our divorce we have started a kind of brother / sister relationship. I now consider her a very close relative. We have daily contact and advise and support each other with everyday questions. This new form of relationship is very satisfying for both of them because we always have someone to fall back on and there is not a single topic we dare not talk about.
The short but very intense relationship has meant that we are now much more self-aware in our actions. We now both know what we really want in our lives and what we are really looking for in a true love relationship.
The best moment between us was, at least certainly for me, that after a delicious dinner we end up together on the couch in the living room and then completely sexually fell apart with a passion that I had never experienced before. It was not at all about wanting to satisfy each other sexually, but every touch caused a shock throughout our body. Even without orgasm, this was probably one of the nicest moments in my sexual life. Impossible to describe because it was so intense.
The sex between us was short, but there was a tension that you will not find easily between normal partners. On the one hand it is very exciting and on the other hand you are in bed with someone for whom you have no real feelings of love. That also makes soul love very confusing and it makes it very difficult to stop an erection. You enjoy each other and the moment but during sex that one moment comes where you start to doubt what you are doing and then it is quickly over.
Soul love is not true love. What you are going through is actually meeting someone who will tell you what you can do differently and better. You do exactly the same with the other person. So you are actually trying to stimulate each other to ultimately also benefit yourself.
If you want to enjoy soul love, it is important to let go of your soul love so that she / he and you can continue to find a true love relationship. In the beginning it hurts a lot but afterwards you realize how lucky you are to have a soul love. You can ALWAYS express your heart. NOTHING needs to remain undiscussed so your soul love will always be there for you and vice versa. 
The strange thing about soul love is that you can’t find it when you look for it. It just happens to you and if it happens don’t be afraid. Accept the uniqueness of the situation and try to learn from it. Your soul love sees your strengths and weaknesses and listening to him / her will ultimately only make it stronger. So seize that opportunity. 
Do not try to understand why you find a soul love. See it as a gift for both of you. Your life is first completely turned upside down but in the end it only makes you stronger. After releasing your soul love you will find another love again, but it will probably be less intense. Soul love goes beyond any crush. 
I still love my soul love and still feel very sexually attracted to her. However, I also know that she no longer has these feelings and so you really have to give someone the freedom they need to find a new relationship themselves. After our relationship breakdown we decided to continue as friends with benefits, FWB, (a very deep friendship with the possibility of sex) provided that if one of us finds a new boyfriend, our FWB would change to friends. So that happened very recently. She has a boyfriend and I a new girlfriend. However, if it is true that our relationships do not last, then we will pull together again to support each other again and to give each other love (yes also physically) until one of us finds someone again.