S377. Through him I have taken control of my life again and I make conscious choices again


A man and his wife visit for the first time on open company day. That day more than 1800 people come, I only speak with 1 stranger, or better, he with me because I didn’t remember so much. It appears that he had remembered my name and he told his wife to definitely apply to me. 2007. His wife comes to apply and it is striking. She starts with me. 2008. Staff party and he and his wife are there, including me, as always without my partner (I am very fond of my freedom and he is not so fond of staff parties). This time we get into a personal conversation of more than 3 hours, his wife is just standing next to him. I have to go on and we go outside together, where he tells me: “I wish I could spend more time with you.” The same feeling for me. 2011, January, marriage of a colleague and I am going there. It appears that this colleague had seen that I got along well with him three years earlier and she has arranged the table setting (without my knowledge) that I sit next to him, his wife on the other side. My partner is at home with our first child and I am 6 months pregnant with our second child. We have a pleasant personal conversation again. Later that year there is another vacancy at my department. I want to recruit a man. The first two rounds do not include candidates. In the third round, his wife says she has someone who wants to come: he! At that moment I already know that he is very special to me and that it will not be easy. August 2011 he comes to me personally for a work interview. He will start December 2011. In the course of 2012 he appears to be interested in me personally, in what I do. There is a click of collaboration, we complement each other, he makes proposals and I create support. It’s going great. 2013 I get a chance to follow a course. He is enthusiastic for me and really wants to come along. I get that done. I knew then that I could no longer bear to feel so much for him without sharing. His wife feeds us and then we are alone for the first time. It’s like we’ve been traveling together for a long time. He regrets that we have no place next to each other on the way there. During the course everything goes without saying, if you see him you see me and vice versa. People who do not know us speak to us as if we are two very good friends. And then the moment comes when I vent my heart and it turns out, he had the same feeling! But how to deal with that, because he is happily married and I have a family and I want to keep that for sure. Back from the course he started my hobby to be able to have contact.

The first months were very turbulent. Seeing each other every working day was great, but having to say goodbye every day was heartbreaking. We emailed a lot to feel that connection and not to have to feel the pain of not being together. I could not keep my feelings at home either so I told my partner everything. He initially reacted poorly. Only later when I also saw my twinflame outside of work and I returned home radiant with happiness, did the jealousy begin. I was looking for help in polyamory sites and wanted to reach a compromise with my partner, but that didn’t grant me my happiness and it was very difficult. Yet he did his best to learn how to deal with the situation and he started talking to my twinflame. However, he did not answer everything sincerely and my partner understood that. Real trust never came. His wife was, if possible, a bigger obstacle: she is not talking. He couldn’t spend much at home so he chose me
see as much as possible behind her back. And after a while the toll was paid: suspicion and distrust. When he finally tried to be more open, there were already many limits imposed by his wife: he was no longer allowed to see me after working hours, etc. Unfortunately for me, what I was allowed to do at home with many conversations was not on his side again.

Shortly after the recognition, we were previously two lovers, super in love with each other. After a while we tried to get rid of the email. He was frightened by such strong feelings and was awake at night. Our relationship gradually became friendly. At work we were buddies. After a while, his wife wanted to get more attention from him at work, and so I had to distance myself for his happiness (he was convinced that he would lose his wife if she continued to experience too much stress and he could not relieve that stress by to talk to her). Half a year later, he decided that I had to take some more distance, since he wanted to give his wife a stress-free year. I respected that and took my distance. The friendship bond was still there, we exchanged a lot of personal information and we still saw each other in black (with the help of my partner!). And now he has decided to give up even further, not even friendship m
honor something between friendship and colleague. This is the only way his wife is happy and he feels better about it. I had no choice but to let him go.

My partner suffered a lot from jealousy and felt cheated. I could talk a lot with my partner and thus understood what his wife was experiencing, always about half a year later than my partner. Finally peace came because there was a distance between my soul love and myself. Yet he always remained a kind of threat, because I resumed my life with him instead of with my partner, after years of breastfeeding and choosing the children I did the fun things with someone else and that hurt.

I have always been able to turn to my partner, both with great joy and with the deep pain that came later due to having to let go. My relationship has deepened in that sense, although all the obviousities have disappeared.

It was as if we lived together in another dimension for a while. Back in reality, it seemed as if we had no place. Professionally it was difficult to be openly friends, because of his rather difficult character and many clashes with others that I still had to agree with, or even stand up for them. There were the private partners who counterparts in their own way. Tacitly or many conversations.

Shortly after acknowledging our feelings for each other, he doubted whether he would leave his wife for me. I knew from the beginning that that could not be the intention. I believed in a form of polyamory before. One summer he invited me to a festival where he told his doubts about me as the love of his life. Afterwards I learned that he had met his wife there 11 years ago. I had been to that festival for years, but always ‘looking’ and had never found what I was looking for. At least I wanted to keep a friendship, but apparently he can’t afford it even now. Strange for me, and very hard.

For him it is enough that he sees me at work, he sometimes comes to tell something of his life and still likes to accept my affection in the form of small gifts or an email. But for me, giving and giving without really getting anything back is deadly, so I have to stop. Detach. He felt from my e-mails if I needed him, and then he did not e-mail back. Only when I really let go mentally do I sometimes get a sign of life from our friendship that was there. So not satisfying for me, especially since he had prospects to try to get me more into his life for his decision to exclude me.

Because of the deep pain of having to let go, the puzzle fell apart. I gained insight into my attachment to people, the links with other relationships I have had with my mother and others. I learned to feel happiness from myself, and I learn further how to be detached. Through him I have taken control of my life again and I make conscious choices again. I had lost the spirituality for a moment, now I am taking that road again.

The most special thing about the meeting is that throughout my life I have not met anyone who does not feel a certain fear. Even my own children, whom I really like unconditionally, can’t take that fear away from me.

And although we have had serious conflicts, in which he normally closes the door to others, we keep recovering.

Everything about intimacy was heavenly, if the hearts could open, it was pure love. I cannot feel such a connection with anyone else.

Knowing that he is my twinflame, feeling what attracting and repelling is, feeling what he wants and giving him all the luck even in the event of personal pain to get that far.

His breaking felt like a void. I myself have had to learn to fill that gap back and discover more in life than him.

He found that his wife is very fortunate for him and could not lose her. So he had to take a distance even though he would have preferred otherwise.

I know I’m not going to find such a connection anymore. I do, however, seek contact with other people, groups to fill the void. My partner is still there and with him I also do my best to feel commitment, which succeeds until he shows jealousy or does not grant me my happiness. Then I am pretty.

My tip: Keep it to the full, feel and you know that you have found your soul love and you have partners, try it a bit easier. For them it is hell.

Will my soul love ever come back as a friend? He keeps a thin line in contact with the condition that I keep my feelings under control … Let go or keep that line?

At the moment I am struggling to put my own life back on track without him, to repress the pain and to find a balance in encountering him every day but not really being able to experience the connection anymore.