S350. It has taught me that I cannot run away from my vulnerability


I met him more than 25 years ago. Saw him standing and wanted him to see me because I was overwhelmed by an unprecedented attraction. He did not see me, did not even look at me and I remember that it frustrated me, which I already found a strange reaction from myself. A week later we saw each other again, now the roles were reversed, he saw me and I did not … He started a conversation and that was the beginning of … Only recently have I realized that he could be my soul love. Previously I always thought that I was just ridiculously in love with him, usually I wanted to get rid of that feeling and I fought against it …

I knew him before I knew him … I am not sure how to explain why. The attraction was always enormous, almost annoying … Only now do I understand that this always fought against it, I wanted to protect myself against my own vulnerability and always looked for a reason to walk away from it, walk away from it.

He is the common thread in my life. We had a relationship if we were both single but also if we were in a relationship. In every relationship we had, we were cheating on each other. Sometimes with a few years in between when we had virtually no contact. I now realize that we have made choices in our lives that are now chasing us. In fact, we were both too cowardly to choose one another or perhaps we knew instinctively that we had to go a different way. Often it was also an interaction, whether he was willing to choose us and it wasn’t me, or the other way around. This interaction is also a common thread between us. Attracting, repelling, we alternate, still. We have experienced very beautiful harmonious times together, but we have also hurt each other very often. But we always loved each other,

I have never talked about this with my (ex) partners in this way and I think he did not. They knew him, and his partners always knew who I was. We were always a threat to the relationships we had.

Karma has often prevented us from choosing one another. There were often obstacles, situations that made us stand with our backs against the wall.

Only now it turns out that we wanted everything together, but in one way or another there was always an obstacle or at least something that stopped us or hindered us. At crucial crossroads in our lives we have sometimes made decisions that have condemned us to the situation as it is now, but perhaps that was the intention. Children are central to our story, our destiny. I cannot elaborate on this too much, but let me just say that we both know and take our responsibilities. We have always understood and let go of each other without being discussed, no matter how much that sometimes hurt.

We recently met again after a break of seven years in which I did not want him in my life. Not because of a partner but because I knew we both had our own missions to accomplish. Strangely enough, that was easy for me, something that was incomprehensible to him and hurt enormously. All the while I knew that he loved me and maybe that unknowingly supported me. Now it is the other way around again, his mission is not yet accomplished and with me in his life he will not be able to do it properly. After a huge explosion of feeling by seeing again, there is now silence. Ultimately I just want him to be happy, I am proud of the resistance he can offer to the attraction between us, the responsibilities he takes.

It has taught me that I cannot run away from my vulnerability.

The unconditional love between us is so pure, so disinterested that sometimes it just hurts. It has always been that way, but for years I didn’t know why. He is my husband, I his wife, it felt that way from day 1 and that has never changed. The mirror that we keep in front of each other can cause intense sadness but also provides answers to my questions. We do not meet each other in dreams, I feel that we are developing that now. We do have a telepathic connection. I often felt it when I went to see him (unexpectedly) and he feels me too. The last encounters were beautiful, very warm but sometimes so charged that it made me nasty. An electrically charged voltage of unprecedented height. Too many feelings so that you want to run away again because you do not recognize yourself, or you do. The confrontation with the unconditional love that you see in his eyes, but also the despair and the fear while you know that your own eyes say the same thing. Make statements that amaze you yourself, point him to his responsibilities while everything calls in you I want you !!! Acting subconsciously with great inner wisdom, being able to let go of what you really want to hold. We have never talked about soul love but we both “know”, I am sure.

Our eroticism had enormous appeal, but no mergers to which you could add a floating touch. Unrestrained rock hard sex, I can’t give it a better name. We are both very independent types and I think that we have unknowingly avoided a great deal of tenderness in that area, to keep a little distance or perhaps because what was already there was more than enough. Different from other relationships, a passion that I can’t name. In the past I could have longed for him. I can still feel our first time. As far as he is concerned, I cannot comment on that. He would not be pleased anyway if he knew that I am writing about us here. I want to respect his privacy and not disclose statements from him.

The enormous love between us is beautiful but especially difficult. I didn’t want to run away from it anymore. For the first time in all those years, I admit it to myself but can’t do anything with it. I think I am learning a lot now, I have come to understand. It is as it is and it must be that way. I have to trust that. Our recent encounters have shown me a lot.

Not too long ago we started something that was immediately opposed on all sides, apparently this was not the time to continue together. Time will teach us what is still written. Now I can only let him go in love. It would not be in his interest to pursue what I would like. He doesn’t allow that either, at the moment he won’t let me in and he runs away from me. I understand why and it’s good for now …

I am certainly not looking for similar love. It is not there either.


We are now about one and a half further and we have had regular contact during the past 10 months. With us, contact means that we are also intimate with each other … it seems impossible to have a platonic relationship with each other. I am very grateful for the time we have been able to spend together. We have both grown, more consciously, and our bond has only become more beautiful and deeper. The “big evil world” still hinders us from leaving the bubble we are in together … We are not yet ready to choose each other but have admitted to each other that we have done this in our hearts from the first moment. We will see what the future holds.

Our encounters have brought out the deepest crap in me, I have gone through everything and still … He brings out the deepest in me and no matter how difficult it is sometimes, I try to enjoy this special experience!