S313. Throughout this entire experience, I started investigating myself, my youth and all my behavioral patterns


We were colleagues for a while, but after a joint coaching process, lightning struck. Suddenly I knew This is him! And he knew … I have to stay away … He 53, I 41. Not my type at all, but everything about him was fine as it was. When I looked at him it was too much, the light too bright. If he was in my neighborhood then it was too intense for him, the energy, the power. I tried to plan things together, he tried to flee from it.

Very slowly I gained his trust and we did more and more together. Walking, eating, chatting, mailing, writing, mini gifts over and over again.
I am in divorce but he has a girlfriend and got into a huge battle full of guilt and a sense of responsibility.
And so it remained platonic, but a hand on my hand, a pat on the back, a glance – it burned on our bodies.

It couldn’t fail to happen. A one-sided kiss came, the other held it off, and again and again, and then real kissing began. An energy exchange, not shortage. There were caresses, hugs and eventually we slept together. Two nights in which we felt like virgins who have never done it in a mix of tension, awkwardness and blinding intoxication by each other’s bodies. Everything equally familiar, everything equally beautiful, but real sex was really too intense. That didn’t happen. Nothing came of sleeping.

My partner was already off the scene, his was naturally angry and sad when it came out. And he promised to stop her and break the contact. Because he feels responsible for her and wants to try to be satisfied and see something beautiful in her. But that is difficult if you know the perfect picture …
And so I see him drifting and struggling and yearning to look at me, while trying to give him distance and peace.

The big wait has now begun. I see that he will choose and decide, but he suffers terribly. He is scared, full of disbelief and sees me as the bringer of chaos and misery, but at the same time longs for that unconditional love. No possessiveness, no jealousy: just respect and love.

Throughout this entire experience, I started investigating myself, my youth and all my behavioral patterns. And I have learned that you can love someone unconditionally, even if they don’t choose you, hurt you, leave you, or are not perfect. A very warm feeling.
Furthermore, creativity has opened up in me, I am writing again, there is music in my life again. He is my muse, my driving force.

The best thing of all was the magic, things happened when we were together. Butterflies that flew straight into our faces, birds that appeared on our path. And then the similarities, things that he and I experienced in the past, jobs that we both applied for without knowing it …

So now I am waiting for my soul love to choose. A mentally wise man who must now listen to his feelings. I know he can do it, and I’m waiting for his “jump.” I don’t force anything, although my hands itch. Of course I hope so. And I am looking forward to the moment that I can kiss and hold him again and exchange all those beautiful words and thoughts with him.

My tips: – stay yourself

  • do not be distracted from what you are sure of, your love for him / her
  • don’t force, force anything
  • bear in mind that the first time all sexual acts can be so overwhelming that it seems that it doesn’t click, that is temporary
  • take distance and rest if it gets too overwhelming