I don’t know where to start. I also don’t know if I’m doing this right. This has to get rid of me … And someday this will be a book … “Unbound.” I just don’t know what to do, feel or think anymore. All this may come across as confronting. And I realize like no other at this point that this is always breaking everything, including myself. I am the eternal loser in an unequal battle.
I try to write everything off, hoping to find an answer myself. Order in the damn chaos and damn mess that became my life, through love. My heart is numb, it hurts immensely. I can barely breathe, feel lost and broken. But here you get my deepest self, and maybe this is also the last time someone gets to see and feel it, who knows.
What have I promised myself so much: “now it’s done, now I’m changing!”
Done! You hear it done! The vulnerability was over, but then she came. Like a thunderbolt in a clear sky, she came into my life and I was blown off my pedestal. She didn’t have to do anything special, it all came naturally. But now it would be better and better, and this would be different. She should all be worth it now, after all, because I’m up. Different from the last time, and the time before, and the time before. I have already lost count. What does this mean? How can I defend myself against the same fate.
Does the lady in question actually know how you feel? Because seeing your text gives you great feelings but at the same time you feel powerless. But you are not. You write off your pedestal. What did you do on that pedestal at all? Want to be everywhere above? What do you want? Be admired? Or that someone loves you the way you are? Being adored is fun for your ego, but actually it’s just the fancy version of being ignored. If you show your face then you will see that the fear of that fate that you write about is shrinking. Not suddenly, step by step. Your fear is not there for nothing, you are hurt, let go. And come on with that book because the title promises something. But please don’t make yourself a character in a fateful story. Get out of that bad script, be human and live.