S278. Through him I found myself again


It was as if the lightning struck me, recognition, a stream of energy that swept through me … It was … indescribable what it did to me. I felt so closely connected to him, and it felt like coming home. From the beginning I felt a pure and unconditional love for him. It was more than falling in love, it was unfathomable, something I have never known in my life. He’s almost 53, I’m 44.

All this time, for almost a year now, I only had remote contact with him. I met him once. Just chatted with each other, looked at each other. We were both nervous, our first (and last) meeting. We were also nervous on the phone, it was like being teenagers who had a sweetheart for the first time. But in the meantime so much has happened … I have removed it for the umpteenth time, it has blocked me.

I had … and still … have no relationship when I met him. I was single at the time and came from a 12-year relationship.

He is married. He first wanted to break everything, give up everything to choose for me, but eventually canceled everything because he is too guilty towards his wife. He cannot and will not hurt her. She has discovered this in the meantime, and he has had very serious problems with her as a result. He blamed me for this and indirectly blamed and hurt me. That’s why I let him go completely, because it hurt me too much. However, I never blamed him for choosing his wife, all those months I stayed friends with him because I needed him because he needed me. That went pretty smoothly until July – except that I sometimes did not know what to do with my feelings and had deleted him a number of times on my profile, he understood that and tried to help me over and over again – but then he had that big fight with his wife who caught him. I had just sent him a long e-mail to explain to him that I had such a hard time and that it was not processed. He couldn’t sleep for nights … his wife noticed this and also caught him when he was constantly working with me on the internet. He did not inform me about the cause of the fight (I only learned later). Instead, he started treating me very badly, blaming me, … Until I spoke to him about it, and he explained everything. I apologized for it and felt real pain for him. It cut through my soul that he had to experience this through me. And I told him too. I hoped we could have contact again in a normal way, but it got worse. Until I simply removed him from one moment to the next and I sent him a spiteful message. Then he blocked me.
However, it hurts me a lot, I miss him terribly, but I also know that this gives me the opportunity to grow further, to continue my development and to work on myself. I really hope he does that too. I only want him back in my life when he has come to terms with himself, because I know he feels very bad about himself. That he walks through life with a mask and is not the person he really wants to be. He is burdened by traditions and values ​​and does not want or dare to ignore it. He apparently does not see that he is pulling himself down and is always being lived by others instead of being happy himself. And that’s probably why he worked out all those frustrations on me.

He longs for a love affair just like me, but does not want to give in to it because of guilt… However, I do not know whether I want it or not. I only know that I love him and that this is eternal love. I’m not really thinking about a relationship with him.

Well … full distance … Is not really satisfactory, but it teaches me to get to know myself better and to grow, to work on my transformation process. For him ? I think, and I feel that he’s also having a hard time with this. But … he wants peace and is tired of arguing with his wife.

What I especially remember in our being together is the sense of togetherness, the longing for each other, knowing that we really belong together and need each other. I feel very strongly that we are each other’s mirror, that we complement each other. We both have what we have missed in our lives. He made me laugh and shine, through him I found myself. He has such a strong sense of humor and in the long run we did nothing but laugh with each other’s jokes and crazy spells … I also found peace and stability with him, in me he undoubtedly found my youthfulness and perseverance, my will and my will to grow, to achieve something in life, my militancy … I have changed enormously because of him, my life went like a rollercoaster, it was like I had ended up in a movie, everything went like a fast train, but still so beautiful! Even though it brought with it many painful moments, and sometimes it made me really physically ill, I am so happy that I have experienced it. Because it is a wonderful feeling, and by the way a feeling that will stay in me forever, it will never go away. Even though I don’t see him anymore.

The most special thing for me is as I have already described: the pure and conditional love, the intense feeling and the fact that he and I have changed him so enormously.

I never really had physical contact with him, but I still felt the desire for him, and I had sexual daydreams with him. In my dreams it seemed like we were making love in real life, and I felt a real orgasm. It was such a wonderful feeling, and it is just like stepping out of your body, like a kind of discharge, a natural element that takes possession of your body, so strange but also so beautiful. And yes, that “sex” with him felt much more intense and intense than the sex I had in my previous relationships, much purer and more loving too.
I went to bed with him and got up with him. Every morning I felt those sexual desires and it was as if he was lying next to me. I talked to him in the evening.
Now that I have been so angry with him, those sexual feelings, those desires have weakened somewhat, but I feel them gradually coming back. I fear I will have to learn to live with it.

It is a feeling that is so intense that it will break you. A love that I feel down to the deepest fibers of my body. It feels like I have known him for years, as if we have lost each other and have finally come back. A feeling of close connection, and yet it destroys us … Coming towards each other, giving each other joy, making each other happy, but still unable to be together.

I’ve had a hard time lately, didn’t know the pain and the loss. But every time I try to encourage myself, that I must let go of him now, and that I have to focus on myself. This has priority over the rest and also over him. He must now make a choice himself and get out, I cannot do that for him. In the meantime I know that he does not hate me, and that he had to block me to get out of it myself.

I no longer look for the same form of love, I realize that he is my twin and that no second can exist. I don’t know if he realizes this, although I think so. He felt exactly the same as me, and broke just like me. I do find someone I can be happy with, and I hope it is someone I can just feel comfortable with. And yes, maybe someday I’ll be fine again … We’ll see. I don’t want to hope anymore, or better not expect anything anymore. Because that expectation destroys you. I also realize all too well that by constantly confronting him with my painful processing and my long texts about what I struggled with, I didn’t make it easy for him. But he has made it very difficult for me all along, he constantly attracted me,

My tips: Don’t think if you experience this kind of love, just know it’s your twin, don’t doubt it. Neither share it with others, not even with your best friend, because NO ONE understands this, as long as they have not experienced it themselves, or do not realize it. Really, NO ONE, and certainly not if you have never touched each other. I also want to say that it is good to let go of each other, and by that I mean to let go. By “final” I do not mean that you may never meet again. This is currently the case. The ball is now in his camp. I just removed it, but it has now completely blocked me. Letting go is necessary so that you can give yourself the time and tranquility to really grow, to develop yourself. I feel that I need this now. And I really hope he does that too.
And what I also want to say: do not let the other person take you down, do not admit it, I have let it drag on for a little too long, but I am happy that I have now made the decision. We will see how everything continues, I am confident.