S266. I looked at myself with a sharp eye and tackled a number of things


I was in a cafe with my friend where I only had a relationship for 4 months. We just lived together. I looked over my friend’s shoulder and then I saw him standing. Relaxed leaning against the wall. He smiled at me and looked at me with a soft, sweet look. I felt a kind of stream go through me and a vague kind of recognition, but also astonishment that such a beautiful boy looked at me and smiled so sweetly at me. I was enchanted by him, immediately in love. Those eyes, … wow! From that moment I dreamed about him. Every time I met him, those dreams were very intense and intense, and the next day I walked on clouds. To this day, I regularly dream about him. Very clear dreams and in those dreams I am always on my way to be together forever.

I experienced it all as very confusing. I was in love with my new boyfriend. How could I suddenly fall in love with someone else? But I knew I just wanted to be with M.. He apparently also with me, because he invited himself when we went to eat a pizza. He sat down opposite me and kept looking at me. I did not dare to look at him, afraid of what I felt, afraid of my friend’s reaction if he noticed something. Afraid that if I also looked at him I would fall silent and not know what to say anymore. His gaze embarrassed me.

I have had a kind of “forbidden” relationship with him. We always visited each other in the pub and when we saw each other we seemed stuck together, a kind of magnetism. He did not dare to say what he felt and my feelings were taboo for me. Because how can you fall in love with two men at the same time? I didn’t dare do anything with it. We have been cycling around each other for 7 years. I married my boyfriend and I noticed he was having a hard time with that. But what could I do? He did not admit that he loved me or was in love with me, and I was afraid of going blue and jeopardizing my relationship with my husband. Until I got into a crisis. In the meantime I was married, had a child of 3, had a job. My husband had little eye for me and I felt worthless. A dull, boring box. I went out with colleagues and I met him in the city. More and more often I went out and I knew in advance if he was there. It also always worked. Then came the moment that, after some beers, he finally dared to say that he had really liked me for a long time. And if I knew that? Then everything accelerated. I told him it was mutual and the fence was off the dam. I have not been “strange” with him. Apart from a lot of intimate and deep conversations, very strong erotic tension where it seemed as if sparks were literally leaping between us and lovely hugs, where the world seemed to disappear, it never came. He confronted me with myself. He looked right through me and made me think about the situation I was in. He told me that he had no expectations of me and that he “just loved me”. He said literally; “I just love you the way you are.” It was very difficult this time. I was loyal to my husband and my child and I loved my husband too.

After a while my husband confronted me with an email about what he thought of me about him. He asked the man if I had something with M. I had nothing with him, no relationship or something. Only a strong all-embracing feeling that I wanted to be with him.

After a few weeks I couldn’t stand it anymore. The relationship with M. became deeper and more intense. I confessed everything to my husband and he had little understanding for it. We broke up for a week or two.

The biggest obstacles have been; my relationship with my husband His principles; never start anything with a bound woman. And his conviction: start any relationship anyway, they always end in pain. My loyalty to my family.

I wanted a love affair. But looked at everything. Because if he chose me, I wanted him to choose 100% for me. I felt that he found that difficult. He knew my husband, he didn’t want to hurt him. I had a child, I think he found that difficult. It seems that everything happened too late. As if we had missed the station where we both had to get off. There was no way back. If only we had said what we felt before.
We no longer have a physical relationship. We rarely see each other. When we see each other, we both feel that magnetism again and we anxiously try to get our heads together. He’s been in a relationship for a while and he’s happy. I’m very happy with that.
I wish him all the best in this world, for me he is an angel.

But those dreams remain, I still have the feeling that I am connected to him.
And sometimes in difficult times I miss him terribly. As if my heart is being pulled out by my throat. I cannot say that I find this relationship satisfactory. I miss him.

What I gained from it was that I looked at myself with a sharp eye and started to tackle a number of things. I went to school again. I got a lot of self-worth from the fact that he thought I was worth it. I chose my husband again and consciously. Only then did he get a permanent relationship. That gives a double feeling. On the one hand I would have liked to be the one, but on the other hand I know that the woman he is now with fits with him. I asked him several times if he was happy with her, and he said yes, I love her. I am happy that he is not alone and that someone loves him. He deserves that so much.
The most special thing was that one night I was in town with a girlfriend and I really wanted to talk to him. (There had previously been a fairly intense conversation about breaking contact). I texted him and he said it might be better if we didn’t see each other. I was not satisfied with that. And without knowing exactly where he was, I walked straight to the bar where he was, I came in and immediately walked towards him. As if I was being led. He was very surprised to see me .
We also often sent text messages at the same time. I thought of him and he thought of me at the same time and then we texted each other.
He also often knew exactly what I felt when he looked at me.

The eroticism I experienced with him was almost electrical. When we stood close together and our arms just didn’t touch each other, it really felt like a kind of stream through my skin, like a kind of shimmer. With him, just looking at each other was so incredibly erotic. We never had sex and I had a real kiss from him as a goodbye. What also struck me very much is that he smelled so very nice. I’m not talking about the smell he was wearing, but just his own scent. It made me almost high, it gave me such a nice and warm feeling. After that I only had with my newborn daughter.

I would describe my soul love as pure, sincere and straight from my soul. Without regard to bad habits. Simply loving his essence, the person he is.
To love him so immeasurably and immeasurably, to wish him all the happiness in the world even though that means I will never see him again.

That I now no longer have a relationship with him often makes me sad. Because I have a shortage in my current relationship. No affection, no security, little physical contact and, at times, little understanding. But I know that I belong to my husband somehow, as if I learn the most when I am with him and he learns the most when he is with me. I also had a recognition with him and everything felt so familiar. Only not as intense as with M.

I am not looking for such love again. I know this is so special and probably only occurs once in your life.

I once wrote a kind of letter to him after a dream, I would like to share a piece of it.

Always after a dream about you, I am in that atmosphere all day long and thoughts of you and memories of you always come to me. Sometimes very annoying, especially when you consider that I can no longer use it. You are gone. You are completely out of my life without a glimmer of hope that you will ever return to me.

I remembered a conversation we had when everything was about to explode. We sat on a bench next to the square and you smoked a cigarette. The moment you put your lighter back in your pocket, you asked me; “Why don’t you ever look at me?” I then replied that I was afraid that you would look through me and see what I actually thought. You said that was nonsense of course. I believe I apologized and said I would pay attention.

What I should have said is that I was scared of your gaze.
Actually more for what it caused in me. The feeling that was unstoppable. Death if you are not allowed to feel that and it is much more intense than what you feel for the person with whom you share your life. It looked like a kind of key to a gate with an awful lot of emotions.
One penetrating look and I was afraid that I would go through my hooves and that the gate would fail. I hadn’t known what to do M! I already felt so much that I was not allowed to feel. I actually did so much that I was not allowed to do, namely to give in to the urge to be with you, to be able to see, hear and smell you. You just overwhelmed me with your presence, a look from your eyes, … meeting two soulmates and accompanying emotions was just too much. My whole world would have collapsed if I hadn’t locked that gate. It seemed as if we were looking at each other for too long, creating an unbreakable bond, a kind of exchange of feeling, emotion, experience and, above all, love. I have never felt this with anyone and I also think that I will never experience this again. Have I been stupid for not expressing my feelings before? Have you been stupid for not having said before that you loved me? You were scared. I was scared. Afraid of being rejected, afraid of the consequences. I was just living together, my friend had canceled his house and I was so loyal to him, I loved him. It is definitely the most confusing thing you can experience as a person, loving two men at the same time. I loved him with immeasurable power, almost supernatural. I really felt floating when he told me he loved me too. I felt flattered, the king too rich. It really gave me a validation. I AM WORTH THE DIFFICULT FOR HE LOVES ME !!! Someone so special who loves me? Unbelievable … but true. So … I am just as special.

And now? Nothing now. No contact. No language nor sign. Dying. But the seed is planted in my heart and soul. Someday I will meet you again, probably not here, in this life. But I am sure that will happen. Then we will have to work it out together.

I miss you so much, my soulmate. The lesson you taught me is sour and hard, but you did it for love of me. So that I could learn and perfect myself. And now I have to let you go in this life so that you can also learn your lesson. I know she’s good for you and she has probably built up so much good karma that she deserves you. You are my angel M. You taught me that you can love two people so intensely. You taught me sacrifice. You taught me that I am worth it. You taught me patience. I will need that because I promise you, in our next life you will be mine.

My tip: The only tip I have for others is enjoy it and be open and honest about what you feel.