S246. It has intensified all feelings in me


Our relationship started via business maintenance on the telephone. She, I will call her here “K”, was quite angry when she got me on the phone because she was connected a few times within our company. I (‘R’) answered her business question with a form of perspective that appealed to her. It was a nice conversation. I think she was on the trail of her feelings a little earlier than me.

Initially it came to a ‘business’ contact where the reason was less and less business. I found a certain intonation in her voice, and especially her laughter, very attractive. We also started calling outside of working hours. I then introduced her, because she has a family with 2 young daughters and a good husband, to also mail each other. To that end, she would create a special e-mail address, which we would call ‘our playground’.

We quickly started having sex via e-mail. On evenings that were possible we were at the same time at the computer and experienced the best moments in the field of sex. For me, too, it was always a good moment to look for, although I have not had a good marriage for a few years, and my partner and I had already decided that it would be best to live separately. I had told ‘K’ that I had a great relationship with my wife.

As noted, my soul love and I had not yet met. We also did not tell mutual partners, partly because K and I had agreed to meet each other sometime in the future. So there was no direct reason in our eyes.

An obstacle turned out to be, due to the extremely strong exchange of feelings that we experienced (sometimes we were e-mailing each other at the same time, and often a phone call or text messages came at exactly the right time) and the enormous sexual tension that was certainly felt, a matter of to attract and repel each other.

K soon made it clear that she would not leave her place and family under any circumstances. For me it was and is different. I have no children and in the meantime the official divorce between me and my partner has started. We (K and I) do want a love affair, but we do not agree on what to do about it.

Today I received an email from K. I asked her to do what her heart tells her. She writes that she is going to let me go because she finds fulfillment in her current life. She cannot give me what she should give me in her eyes, and that it hurts to write this to me, and that she will always love me. I think this gives her some peace, and maybe me too, but it is certainly not satisfactory for me, and it will be very difficult for K, too. I know and feel that she loves me. I know and feel that her heart lives with me.

Soul love has brought me something that I did not know. It made me feel in love in a way that I never felt (I am 59 years old). It has intensified all feelings in me. Everything in me is more sensitive than ever. It has made love bigger than it ever was for me. It gives a warmth that has nestled in every corner of my body, and that I feel burning when I think of her. It has offered the prospect of a wonderful future.

Our contact was broken early this year. Even then there had been a process of disposal. K would travel on a Saturday from the village where she lives to the city where I live. Something that she often did alone. Despite the lost contact, she would still continue. On the Saturday she came, I sent her a text in the morning with the text “Coffee?” “Yes,” she texted. It would be our first meeting about 8 months before we first had that phone call. When the train arrived and the people made their way out of the station, she was standing there. I felt the ground sinking under my feet. There she stood, and I immediately felt that she was the love of my life. And I saw that I also brought something about her. That Saturday was a day on which we walked in the street as two enamored teenagers. We kissed and held each other, and saying goodbye to the train in the evening was horrible.

A month later we made love for the first time. That’s what I call deliberately, because it’s so different from having sex with someone. With K I discovered love in sex.
I couldn’t get enough of caressing her body. From watching her. I find her so incredibly beautiful, and her body, and her eyes, they move me to tears. I still feel her arms around my neck. The softness of her skin against mine. The scent of her hair.

The soul love feeling is a feeling of being complete for me. The peace comes down in me. The realization that if I have her by my side, the work is done. For so long, without knowing it, I have been working so hard to find her. I was so tired. Until I looked into her eyes.

I feel amputated. I have lost a part of myself. She had made a place for herself in my body, and that place is now empty. A hollow feeling that concentrates in my stomach. The relationship has ended because K wants to give me everything I need, but she cannot and will not give up her family and her life in the warm community in which she sits.
How do you handle something like this? I know it makes no sense to have someone do something that makes him or her unhappy, and I only want her to be happy. Even if it is not with me. I know that true love can embrace and let go. But now it hurts.