S242. Imagine: burying my own child had hurt less than my twinflame’s rejection


Continued from story S061

I described the meeting with my soul love on this site. It’s story 061, written in the summer of 2006. My soulmate was a teacher at my son’s school at the time. No matter how deeply the spiritual contact touched me, it had not yet come to a personal or intimate contact between us. My story ended with: ‘We don’t live far away from each other. He has my address, I have his. It is vacation. The school will start again soon. I am curious if and how we will greet each other. It may well be that we do not even look at each other … “Read the sequel here.

We gave each other a good hand after that holiday and he said: ‘very welcome’. What followed for me was a difficult divorce process, difficult because my husband, after it was ‘out’, left for his native country and did not respond to anything anymore. At the time, I longed for my soulmate, but the divorce pulled me down. I was unable to express my love. I was also scared, afraid of my ex to “cheat” while I was officially married. I was not officially divorced until April 2007.

Well you shouldn’t think I rushed to him. On the schoolyard I kept a distance, strangely enough. His words “it is not mutual” always popped through my mind when I wanted to call him or stop by. Those words, pronounced in December 2005, had hurt me so much. More pain than the loss of my first-born, a boy who died after 18 days, 11 years earlier. Imagine: burying my own child had hurt less than my twinflame’s rejection!
I still did not dare to express my love, afraid that the rejection would repeat itself and that I would not survive this time, which had hardly succeeded the first time.

I finally called him on Easter Monday. “Are you going for a walk?” I asked him. the answer was “No, I have to stay inside of myself”. And it was 28 degrees, a true summer day in April! Two days later I found a sidewalk tile in my street, where I always visited my walks through the neighborhood, with the text: “It shortens a long story, we all need love.” I suspect him of having made it. He had something to say about spells, he regularly wrote one on his blackboard, ‘to learn and vermaeck’ for colleagues, parents and students. And for me of course, I thought.
Although I thought that the sidewalk tile was intended for me, I did not dare to refer to it when I saw it.

I now know that I have difficulty receiving love. Even if he had wanted, he could not have reached my heart, because it was locked out of fear. Afraid of love, that was me. I did not dare to believe that he loved me the way I loved him.

So it was not possible to find each other, to touch and hold each other, to love.

A few weeks later I had a parent interview with him. He said he was going to move to Africa, something he had long wanted. His farewell letter to the class was dated 20-07-2007. And I think that is such a beautiful date: a duplication, just like the number 11 and all its multiples. Since my meeting with him, those numbers seem to belong to me. When I look at the display of my alarm clock or another digital timepiece, I often see (a multiple of) the number 11. Is that the symbol of the twinsouls ?!

question07_relation: He didn’t start the new school year at the school where I had met him. He prepared for his trip and left for Africa in November 2007.

I still regularly walk past his old house, to see if I might see his lamp hanging again, but no. He is gone and has not yet returned.

In recent years I have spent getting to know myself better and slowly, very slowly the ironwork starts to soften my heart. For 2011 (indeed ’11’) I have wished to be able to open my heart to love and feel again, without fear, without pain!