S201. A blazing fire


I met my soulmate 11 months ago in the hospice, where I work as a volunteer. His mother lived there until she died and he had taken care leave for this.
I am a 52 year old woman, married and have three children. I was someone who always tried to put himself in the position of others and made everyone happy. The happiness of another was more important to me than my own happiness. I didn’t really get my childhood as a gift, and the rest of my life didn’t go completely smoothly either.
He is a spiritual man of 53 years, married and also three children. (hereinafter I call him Piet)
I was not spiritually at all, I was a sober calf, but I was an emotional person. During my functioning in the hospice I came across more and more my ‘feeling’ and was very surprised about it … I felt flawlessly things, foresaw things that could not be explained.
My first two services, together with him, had little to do with me. (the flame hit him immediately, he told me later)
I found him sympathetic and sweet, but that was all on my part. Physically I found him totally unattractive. I was immediately struck by his selfless attitude toward his mother. (Recognition)
During my third service, together with him, the flame broke, a light hand of him on my back was sufficient for this.
The services below I became an expert in time racking and I tried to plan as many joint services as possible.
A bond developed between us, a glance – taste of music – humor – certain remarks, I felt many similarities in character and there was just a ‘click’.
I felt more towards him, but I was not allowed to do this. I was there for his mother and not for myself.
The day his mother died I went to the hospice with an excuse, I was going to have a terrace with him to get to know him better. Unfortunately for me, he was not there at the time, he had gone home because his daughter needed him.
I could say goodbye to Piet’s mother, this felt very special.
The day after his mother was carried out, …… I had the feeling that, during condolences, Piet was clinging to me, then I got my first kiss. (neat) In order not to make it stand out, I kissed the rest of his family.
After carrying it away the family went to the auditorium, there was eye contact, I got an apologetic look from him …. I went home with a good feeling … but “it wasn’t finished yet”.
Heavily against my principles I went to the funeral, here too there was ‘something’ between us and I got the strength from him to give him a note with my e-mail address. It still didn’t feel right to me, we were not ready yet.
When I said ‘goodbye’ I went pretty wrong; I said to his children ‘goodbye’ and of course to him again the three decent kisses, but we aimed pretty well at each other’s mouths.

Two days later I received his first e-mail, then a complete ‘soap’ and an intensive, heavy but also good period started .
We started carefully; sensing, a lot of character recognition and I tried to help him in his grieving process. He built websites and I offered to help him with the texts, so there was intensive mail contact.
The next step was to carefully examine how we were in our marriage. I had already seen / felt that it was not completely comfortable with him, but from my side he knew nothing.
I had completely faded away for years, so it didn’t feel good at all.

My husband and I were away for a weekend (married for 25 years) and I knew that on Wednesday or Thursday a blazing declaration of love would come from him.
That was right and after that the fence was completely gone. Blazing emails flew over and over again and I couldn’t handle this at all. It controlled my whole life, I could no longer eat and sleep, I functioned exclusively on autopilot, it had such an impact on me.
Yet I could not stop; “it was stronger than me” … I lost kilos in those days.
The attraction and repulsion started quite soon. First it was forced, because our partners found out that it had finally ended.
Yet we could not do without each other and we became very creative to reach each other. (unfortunately for me my husband was even more creative and could follow everything)
I am now working on my sixth address and I think Piet is too.
Piet also e-mailed through his work for a while, but when his superiors discovered this, it turned out not to have been such a success ……. I think that there people have ‘enjoyed’ our e-mails.
Piet created a private chat box at a given moment, we chatted and there was a period that we could reach each other through his website.

I learned a lot from him. He was very spiritual and Zen Buddhist. I functioned intellectually and wanted to be able to reason everything.
Thanks to him I learned to trust my feelings flawlessly.
Mirroring, which we do back and forth, feels good to me but also confronting.
We called several times and saw each other a few times. He lives in the west and I in the east of the country.
Now (about 400 emails later in 9 months) we have tried to break the contact about 40 times. (the lion’s share of the stop emails came from his side) Until now, it was successful every time and then it flared up again from both sides.
Every time, when the contact broke, I felt relief, intense relief because the sneaky thing was over again, but soon the feeling of lack dominated and a period of intensive contact broke out again.
One time he visited me, the other time I started again.
What I find special is that neither of us was out to break up marriages. Time and again we pointed out the ‘pitfalls’ in our character and asked each other for an understanding of the attitude of our partners.

Recently I pointed him to this site and here we both find a lot of recognition.
He told me that he will also send in his story …. I am curious.
Whether we are soulmates or twinflames I do not know, with me it feels like twinflames.
We are both still with our partners and it feels very special to me that my husband has still not shown me the door.

Now I just sit in the past tense because recently the contact was broken again.
We mainly had a mail relationship, (I told him things from my past, which I had always kept silent about and that I was ashamed of) occasionally texting and calling and so far we have seen each other a few times. Mailing in itself felt special, it happened that we were at the same time behind the PC and felt this from each other. We invented mail chat. I often ‘knew’ that an e-mail had arrived and was then drawn to the PC like a magnet.
Calling felt like a gift, it was wonderful to hear his voice. Apparently for him too because he has worn out four telephone numbers in the past period.
Seeing each other cannot be explained in words.
We have been together one day and also intimately. It was a heavenly / divine experience for me, not comparable to anything else / earthly.
We were completely absorbed in each other, could not stay apart, we kept talking. All my senses were involved. I felt at one with him. An intense day in all respects, a tantra day.
It literally hurt me when we broke up again.

We both wanted, deep in our hearts, a love relationship in the periods that we attracted each other, but the mind has kept me from this until now. We both have a family with children living at home, so responsibilities.
It doesn’t feel right for me to dive from one relationship to another.
Mirroring would also continue in a relationship between Piet and me and I think this can lead to fierce confrontations.
When I see him, I see myself with all my weaknesses.
Opposites attract each other, like-minded people often repel each other.
I know it would be a difficult relationship.
I also fully realize that a heavenly / divine experience is not comparable to
the earthly one.

Looking back on it, it was a bitter necessity and it was high time that I met Piet.
I was not happy with my life, but unable to change anything about it.
Thanks to him many things have come to mind that I did not know I had in me. (in all sorts of ways)
I was in a victim role and more and more I can struggle myself out of this.
Now I think much more about myself, I love myself and I also propagate this.
I found a piece of peace in myself that I didn’t have before.
I don’t take everything anymore, don’t figure myself out anymore and want me to be taken into account.
I develop myself spiritually and this feels good, I do realize that I can still learn a lot from him in this and it feels like ‘amputated’ that there is no longer any contact.
I do not feel complete without him …… We are a unity and we remain one… ..
I feel and feel him regularly in me, I know he is with me and supports / supports me …… This is mutual …… .. even though there are hundreds of miles between us and there is no contact now.

The message that I would like to give to others is this.
Live as much as possible in the present, enjoy what comes your way, learn from it and do not look to the future.
Look at the positive things that it brings you and don’t pay too much attention to the lack.
Stay sober and see the humor in it – no matter how difficult this sometimes is.
Also know that you are not the only one with such an experience. (shared grief is half grief)
Do not try to reason everything rationally (not everything can be explained) Experience how it feels and accept it, do not resist it because it is impossible to resist this. (the insurmountable)
Don’t blame yourself if this happens to you, there is a common goal. Only afterwards can you see what this experience was needed for.
Involve your possible partner as much as possible and ask for understanding and support. (point him / her on this website)
Do not try to compare this ‘divine’ experience with anything else.

How it goes now? … is it finished now?
I have no idea and I am not worried about it, I live in the present and that is the only thing that matters now.
I have learned a lot about myself in the past period and I am grateful to Piet for it.
I hope my husband can deal with a woman who, for the first time in 25 years of marriage, thinks about herself and makes demands. I hope he honors this.

I don’t feel complete without Piet, but I know that I am now more complete than I have been all my life.

So …… ..thanks Piet.
Thanks to you, I was allowed to ‘experience all this’