S124. I will not be able to share that purity with anyone else


Our soul love exists in an intense friendship that can never be broken. We got to know each other through mutual friends and came closer together. We were together day and night.
Just by looking at him, I knew what he was feeling, and vice versa that was also the case. If I thought something, he said it, and if he thought something, I said it. We always wanted to be together and it felt like a great peace when we were together. Everyone thought we had a relationship while it wasn’t. I’m sure he experienced it that way too, although we never literally talked about it. But not being together felt like a huge loss for both of us.

Due to circumstances we unfortunately no longer see each other, but when we see each other, it is immediately incredibly intense. We both want a relationship with each other despite the fact that it is not possible from his side. Yet every time he wants to be with me, live with me and be the father of my children … It has happened a number of times that we were crying to each other because we cannot be together.

I will summarize in a few words what I feel since I know him:
Terrible warmth when I see him or think of him – The same thinking at the same time – A KNOWING that we belong together and will always remain connected in the spirit – him miss day and night – a KNOWING that I will never feel the same again for a man – feeling unconditional love and respect for each other – not wanting to change each other – dreaming about him when things are not going well – enough of one word – silences together to be able to share and enjoy – to feel each other’s pain.

Our relationship has always remained friendly even though we wanted more together. However, this was not possible, which still results in a deep lack and a deep pain. Because we see each other less, I have learned to accept a pain that I don’t want anyone. A dagger in your heart whenever you think of him. But in the meantime, I also know that things are going well and that we will one day be together.

External jealousy means that we can no longer see each other often because bystanders see what we share together. If I am in one room with him and there are a hundred others, then we only have eyes for each other. My eye is always drawn to him and he also only pays attention to me. This unfortunately generates jealousy with his current partner who ensures that we see each other only minimally.

We both wanted a love affair, but that should not have been the case. Yet I am certain that someday we will be together in another life and that our ways will never separate. The relationship we now have together is not satisfactory. Now that the contact has diminished, I feel as if I have lost part of myself, as if I am no longer complete and I yearn for him every day.

The love of my soul has brought me wonderful experiences. Experiences that I will never experience again with someone else and that is also my sadness at the same time. I know that in a future relationship I will never experience the same thing again and have to settle for less. I will not be able to share that purity with anyone else. A love affair with my soulmate could have been so beautiful, but it was not granted to us. I know I have to learn something from that, but I just don’t know what the lesson should be.
I also know that I have to let him go and the mere thought of it destroys me inside. As if you die inside.

What I find most special is that we are always attuned to each other and the UNCONDITIONAL love for each other. Always know what is going on with the other and never have a fight. The feeling of not being able to do with each other but also not without each other.

I miss him every day, every hour, every minute. I have lost part of myself and feel a constant lack that I have to learn to deal with. I cherish the few moments we have together that are always special. But am also sad because we are always talking about how a life would be together, knowing that that is unattainable