S089. Ultimately, it is that love that is within yourself and that you see reflected in the other


Love at first sight or that it is? I do not know. A feeling of ultimate knowledge, recognition and feeling safe together, as if everything coincides. You don’t have to explain things, it is a deeper knowledge from your soul. That realization came to me later, when I got to know my soul love better. I first explained it to myself as an attraction, a “click” / tension.
It has brought me closer to myself and in particular the things that were still unprocessed or deeply tucked away. Fears, uncertainties, doubts, lack of self-confidence like a huge huge mirror. I thought I already knew a lot, but I knew so little.
We have maintained a relationship via e-mail outside of our partners and that became a world in itself that became too closely intertwined with the normal daily world. I came across all my own dark sides and pain in a nutshell. I couldn’t keep love pure because I didn’t understand what it was. Everything engulfed me and I fought against myself at the end.

My partner cannot understand and it will probably never happen. He is not a person who easily enters into deeper relationships with people and does not need them. He sees my feelings and my struggle as a betrayal to him and abuse of trust in the most ultimate form. I love him very much, that has always been clear to me, but that does not seem to fit with my other feelings.
I don’t want to hurt him or my children, but I am often distraught because I cannot let go of certain feelings . It may have brought me into one of the most difficult periods of my life. I really don’t know if I can get out of here with my partner.
My feeling about friendship differs from his and that makes me feel torn. There also seems to be no way to resolve this without remaining faithful to him. If I’m true to myself, it’s not him . And you don’t want to hurt or see the person you love and who is your life partner.

In fact, the limit to making physical contact may have caused more damage than I would like. Because if at some point you want nothing more than being close to each other, it can only be disappointing. You need to be able to take time to experience love that way. Our brief encounters shortened that.
At the moment I can only go further and search for my own truth. Although I miss my soul love intensely. It will at least bring me closer to myself, although it sometimes seems hard now.

It really did me a lot to read other people’s experiences here. Feeling so much for someone can be so confusing and it gives support and comfort to read that recognition.
I do believe that you should not stare blindly at a dream image. Ultimately, it is that love that is within yourself and that you see reflected in the other! But those are nice words.