Our first contact was via the internet. He made a chat request to me and when I looked at his profile I didn’t like it. Normally I would refuse immediately, but now I wanted to talk to m urgently, very strange. I was about to take a shower because I had a date an hour later. Quite strange that I still wanted to chat with him. We wrote a few sentences and then it happened… .. A feeling, warm, goosebumps came over my body and head seemed to float in a strange world…. Apparently I was not the only one, because he also asked what happened … It was like the twilight zone, as he would often call it….
I had to leave quickly because my date would almost be there, but it took me a lot of effort. We agreed that we would be online again at 11 p.m. The date was nothing in advance and I was counting the minutes that I could go home again to chat with that strange man.
Just before eleven o’clock I switched on my PC, and as expected it was already online…. We talked to each other … the feeling was there, but the text on the PC was omitted …. We hardly typed and said so much … He wanted to talk to me on the phone. With sweat in my hands I said “yes”. What was going on here? I didn’t understand a thing and I thought it was the alcohol … Was it not that I had just drank hot chocolate milk…. He called and I answered. I said my name and he his, and it became silent …… We heard each other deadly and screaming…. Silently saying so much and telling … Nothing to explain, just know that the other person knows … .. With a totally unknown acquaintance ….
He asked a few more times if this was twilight zone and what was happening, and I knew it just as little as he did. So frightening and at the same time so fantastic and familiar … It was there, and no more was needed at that time. At 4.30 am we hung up as silently as we had started. It went like this for 3 consecutive days and nights. One Tuesday after that we went to see each other and it didn’t matter anymore … It didn’t matter what I looked like, what he looked like, what my past was, what his future was, it didn’t matter anymore … We loved each other before we ever met and we knew it …
Tuesday evening I did not hold up college statistics and went to the agreed place much too early. He finally arrived. I had never seen him, but I knew it had to be him. I walked out to him, and god he was beautiful! We neatly kissed each other on the cheek and sat inside. Again hardly any words were spoken. We kept looking at each other. We talked about what this was, but could not give words to it …… We were in love… .. But then very bad and different than usual…. More intense, more intense, loving…. Unknown, recognizable…. No words for this… ..
In the days that followed, we regularly sent the same type of text with the same content at exactly the same time. Also almost wordless now, but consisting of only …… or other signs…. And so significant for both of us. He once said when I was with him: it seems that I already loved you before I knew you … “. 1 day later Savage Garden came out with the song I knew I loved you before I with you… .. How is that possible ??? How is that possible??? And why??? We regularly had some sort of telephatic contact and even other people could feel that there was something … Scary and beautiful… ..
The love was overwhelming and we couldn’t handle it either…. So unconditional … nothing mattered or seemed important … So everything … so complete together. I felt him and he felt me …. Complete together…. Twice complete…. Fear overcame and we broke up. Completely tattered feeling … for both …
Now, a few years later, he is married again and I have a different relationship. We still feel each other and we have given up all attempts to stop seeing each other or to contact each other…. It’s impossible. We no longer wonder why, because that is no longer important. Our souls belong together and together feel both complete…. He takes a piece of heart with him every time he leaves me, and makes it whole again when he makes contact, in whatever way… .. Friends can make me smile, at least for a while, but you can make me whole again ….
You can feel and use that piece of heart when it is there, the rest of the time you know it must be there, but you cannot experience it, simply through inability … It is not there….
Just tell your partner this. How can someone who has never experienced this understand? There is only more misunderstanding. How bad can something be if no words have been invented for it ???? Jealousy, powerlessness, jealous … On everything, and also not being able to understand it … .. How can you explain to someone what it is if you don’t even know it yourself … .. So strong feelings and yet genuinely happy if he is happy with another woman …. It probably doesn’t do a relationship any good, but in a soul relationship like ours that won’t be a reason to stop it…. As if it can ever be stopped !!!!! Never!!!! Not in time, not in space and not in any dimension whatsoever. Our souls belong together, incomprehensible and without explanation … .. It is as it is … ..
His pain is my pain. I just want him to be happy. If that is without me, then I want him to be happy without me. I can’t handle his sorrow …. My soul dies little by little if his soul does, and that is happening now…. And I can only watch helplessly, and be there for him when he needs me … And I will … I can’t help it …