Q1416. No idea how I can get out of this?


Every day I wake up with pain in my heart and heavy thoughts, thoughts that shoot through my head immediately after I have analyzed my dreams from the night before. These thoughts now go through my head for 3 years every day and no longer leave my head. Deep pain that I feel, deep pain because of a love that does not see me .. A love that I thought is true does not see my value and does not see me as his future.
Thoughts pass through my mind every day in which I have failed, a beautiful life that I had nothing left of. I am tired every day, cry every day, try to find strength but these emotions do not diminish. pain does not diminish but seems to get worse, so much pain that I have regularly been thinking about ending my own life for months now. I did not know that a person can be in so much pain, I have experienced everything in my life but was always a warrior I could conquer everything. So strong that I always was, so weak that I am now .. I have come to a low point in which a person cannot fall any lower .. I have fallen so deep that I am considering the end of my life.
No more strength to work, my work consists of helping people, but how can I help people if I have to be helped myself? I don’t tell anyone this, not even my best friends, they have already seen me in a deep well but think that I am out of it .. Nobody is going to understand how I feel, and certainly not that I have felt this way every day for years. I am a warrior remember? That is what I tell myself every day, I do not want to hear reproaches or things like: let it go, it will be okay, pick up your work again, make sure you get energy and the kind of things I have often done If it was all that easy and I am a warrior remember? Then I could have crawled out of this shit hole a long time ago, but that is not the case. They call this love that I feel twinflame, soul love or whatever I honestly don’t even want to believe in it anymore because it has already caused too much damage. Some friends around me try to understand what I mean by twinflames but will never fully understand it until they experience it themselves. (which I absolutely hope not for them)
Can’t I just go back to 3 years and stop myself from meeting him and telling all this to myself .. Telling that I would lose everything, my house, my company, all my savings and the worst thing I lost myself would hit.
I see no light at the end of the tunnel, I really do my best I meditate, try to do many nice things but this pain does not diminish. Since I have taken the path to awaken spiritually, I have only bad luck in my life , I want to go back to how everything was, to when I was happy and in a long relationship, made a lot of money, had few worries and woke up every day with a lot of love in my heart. Oh how I was full of self love .. Everything has been taken away from me. I want to step out of the whole spiritual, but that becomes difficult because this is what I do for work, only how can I do spiritual work if it does more harm as well ? I want to go back to earthly, back to when my life was normal .. Spirituality can be very dangerous,