S396. Attract and repel


When we first saw each other, I don’t remember exactly. It will have been somewhere in February 2017.
X. joined the company on 1 February, where I also worked for 2 months.
I had seen her walk into our office a few times. She did not say more than hello and I found her a shy and timid woman. Until that one day, I was busy discussing with colleagues during a coffee break, which bothered me in the company.
From the day I started there, I felt uncomfortable there. X. was at the office and heard me talking, she responded immediately that she found me a committed person with a lot of inspiration. I never forgot that moment, because I felt that she was looking right through me. She read me and I felt a bond that I had never felt before.
We visited each other more and more and we got to know each other better. We also talked and e-mailed a lot about our pasts. Not long after, the first talks were already circulating within the company that we had something together. We noticed that we had a special bond, I didn’t care, because it felt great to be with her.
X. started to trust me more and more. She lived apart from her husband, she had chosen to leave him because he was a narcissist and she wanted to work on herself.
I immediately felt connected to her, because I recognized a lot what she told me.
My father was also a narcissist, so I understood very well what she had to endure.
She had very low self-esteem and no confidence. I had already taken steps through personal development. I recognized the phase she was in.
It felt so good to be a listening ear, to support her and to give advice.
X. started calling me when she was having a hard time or when she was in a panic. I often reassured her, but I already realized that I started to behave like her therapist and bite into it.
At home, that came up against my wife’s first resistance, which I now understand very well.
It was my mission to help X. I could not save my mother from the clutches of my tyrannical father. My father could do what he wanted, abuse, abuse and cheating, but my mother loved him too much and couldn’t say goodbye to him.
I could never understand why, but that became clear to me later on thanks to X.
I sometimes saw another side of X. Suddenly she spoke with admiration about her “husband”, I did not understand anything of that. But I found out later that she was in contact with him again at a weak moment. I found that difficult, because later she complained again that she couldn’t talk to him and then she needed me again. I found that difficult, but I felt sorry for her, so I continued on the same footing. That I could help her made me feel good.
In the end, she is divorced from her husband. She always said she was grateful to me for that, because without me she could never have taken that step.
I was so addicted to her in the meantime that I could not stand back from her. My wife noticed that we were in daily contact and thought it was right to go crazy.
I am ashamed of this because I lied about this to my wife. In that period I also decided to leave the company because it didn’t feel right.
The farewell was intense, I had to cry and X. did well, but I saw that it did a lot to her too. The loss started …
Then I realized that there was more going on.
But what was it then? Falling in love ?? No, because then you have lust feelings and I didn’t have that …
What I did feel before was a deep love that transcends friendship.
I liked her when she laughed, it was as if the sun was going to shine …
I often said that to her when she was insecure about herself.
I realized that there was more to it, because she panicked when she said she was open to new contacts during appen.
I wanted to protect her so that she would no longer experience pain and sorrow and keep close to me.
At that moment, alarm bells went off at me.
On the early morning of August 29, 2017, I didn’t take it anymore, the appeal was too great and I didn’t want to resist it anymore.
I lay awake and decided to tell my wife. She was also awakened by my bustle. The high word came out, I wanted a divorce and continued with X.
My wife went crazy and cried a lot. I felt so guilty because I saw how much sadness she had. But I couldn’t understand my feelings for her. She asked me to fight for us. I picked up X. to say that I was in love with her and I wanted to continue with her.
Her response came fairly quickly, she was angry with me. She asked me to stay with my wife because she didn’t want it to be on her conscience that our marriage would die because of her hand.
She immediately broke off contact.
What went through me then cannot be described with a pen, I was intensely sad.
Although X. broke off contact, she contacted me again after a week because she was worried.
I was totally off the map for 1 week, wept my eyes and the pounds flew
off. At that moment I also discovered that I am an HSP, so many things fell into place.
My wife was very sweet and understanding to me, then I saw what she means to me.
X. I missed terribly. The following week I could not let it go. I emailed X. at work because I wanted to know if it was mutual. I had to know!
She said that she was not in love with me, but that I was in her heart. She had never met anyone with whom she was on the same emotional level. That compliment reminded me a lot.
X. couldn’t do anything with me because she was scared.
Afraid that I would blame her after a few years …
I have stopped my resistance to this. I didn’t take it anymore and it wasn’t fair to my wife either. I could feel my wife again. I had no contact with X. for a few weeks, until one afternoon I was (un) pleasantly surprised. When I got home from work I found my wife very angry. X. had asked via Messenger how it was going, that message my wife had come to see … I was angry at first because X. violated the appointment of no contact. But on the other hand, glad she hadn’t forgotten me either.
My wife insisted that I respond spicyly, with the message to leave me alone.
X. has read this reaction, but she did not respond, intuitively I felt that this touched her.
It didn’t feel right to me because I knew X. meant well.
Like a magnet, I was drawn back to X. On a beautiful Sunday morning, October 1, I took my bike and drove to her. I felt very guilty towards my wife, because afterwards I lied where I had been. But nothing could stop me …
I had found her house fairly quickly. When X. opened, she was shocked, but she was happy to see me, we gave each other a big hug.
I told her right away that I was sorry I had reacted that way and she knew that the message on Messenger didn’t come from my mouth. However, she did understand my wife. X. her twin sister. was there too and came to sit with us later.
We talked and cried very openly. I exposed myself and told that I had fallen on X. her soul, X. colored. We talked about her ex, and I saw in her eyes that she still loved him.
Still felt good to be there, I found the moment of goodbye difficult, because I felt a lot for X. No crush, but a deep feeling of love … It confused me …
The drive home came the guilt towards my wife came back and I felt bad.
The following days I missed X …. and felt everything. Thursday I emailed her at work that I didn’t want to contact her anymore, because I felt too much. And that I had seen that she no longer needed me, she looked stronger, so I could let her go. I felt so guilty towards my wife and had been feeling bad for days. The high word came from X. She had a relationship with her ex again. No surprise for me, because I already knew that … I wish her success and a lot of love for the future. X. didn’t want to say goodbye, because the fact that I was in love with her wasn’t that bad … I added a lot for her and she couldn’t miss me .. It did me well and was as happy as a child.
The following weeks we had occasional contact and the feeling for her was gone.
It was more friendship, because I didn’t want to stand among them. X. had also told her ex what had happened. He felt himself to be an Alfa man, because X. could talk to me, but not to him. That bothered him and I understood that too. At the end of November 2017 things went wrong again, on Friday X. and I still had contact, she felt bad and doubted whether she would go to a party that evening with her ex.
I listened to her and told her to do what felt right for her.
I already felt that he was going to misbehave, I told her that too. I turned out to be looking ahead.
On Monday X. called me and told me what had happened. Her ex had behaved improperly and had abandoned her at the party. My heart broke …
She was done with it … I supported her again, but soon felt a distance. Every time we had contact, X. said she was ashamed of me … I was naive as I went with it. I once said that I felt that she was in contact with her ex again, she denied that.
The high word came out on 8 December. She indicated that she had not been honest with me and that she had a relationship with her ex again. I was not allowed to judge her … I felt used, because I was good enough to hear her complain, but I was not allowed to have an opinion.
My allergy was there, because for 21 years I have not had the opinion of my father. Which was all decisive and dominant. I talked about it with my wife and she also said that I could not save her … Because she was addicted to her ex … When I realized that, I also understood why my mother could not divorce my father …. Some men have that power!
I picked up X. Saturday December 9th to say that I pulled my hands off her and couldn’t take it anymore. Her reaction was that as a friend I have to be a listening ear without judging.
That went too far for me at the time.
I immediately broke all ties with her and removed her from Facebook, she was very angry about that.
We had no contact at that time for 4 months, I did occasionally have app contact with her sister.
I didn’t want to break the tape completely. Because X. was in my heart.
I have seen it differently through her sister X. It is her life and her choice.
So I regretted my impulsive decision, I asked her sister to pass that message on to X. At the end of April X. contacted me, she had made the decision and broke the relationship with her ex. She chose herself !. Again I supported her again when she had problems at work. I did notice that she had become more distant and less open.
X. said this was part of her therapy, she was too dependent on the men in her life and didn’t want this anymore. No more leaning on someone else, I was so proud of her!
We had not seen each other for 7 months and I missed her. We then took it easy with the contact and consciously took some distance. I asked her every week how she was doing, and the contact came from me more. I wanted to give X. the space. On May 4 I saw a heavy message from her sister on Facebook, which touched me. As a support, I visited her a day later. And I didn’t lie about it, I also hoped to see X.
I was sitting in the garden with her sister and then I heard dogs strike, said his X. her dogs. She’s with her ex again, I was shocked by that. And again was full of disbelief, I did not want to judge but found it difficult. When I was riding on my motorcycle, I came down the street and X. stood in the driveway, she saw me right and waved at me … I turned around and we were happy to see each other. Her ex was there too and approached me, we shook hands. The moment he walked towards me, I already felt the tension and the threat approaching me.
I felt right with that man not to mess around. He was curt and I saw that it was difficult for him to restrain himself. He left and I was left with X. It felt like old times again.
She came with all sorts of apologies that it meant nothing. I said it’s your life and not mine. I enjoyed the afternoon, we were in the driveway like a bunch of toddlers. X. I also met her children.
I found it hard to leave, I knew this would be for a longer period.
The feeling for her was now a deep friendship.
I was afraid of the consequences for her, and that turned out to be true. Her ex was quite angry that I came by and did not believe that my visit was spontaneous. I also told home that I had visited her sister’s X. My wife reacted furiously.
I chose not to say that I had seen X. again, I did that a week later.
My wife was angry and disappointed, even when I said we were just friends.
I had to promise her that I would not visit both X. and her sister anymore.
I promised that. I also told X that later in the week, she was disappointed, but I understood.
I already realized that there was more between X. and me, but what were we, soulmates?
If I sent X. a nice saying about this, she would not respond … afraid to feed the feeling with me.
For me it went deeper than that … I was not yet familiar with Soul Mates.
We were still in regular contact, but it had to come from me more. X. did not trust me anymore and when I asked how it went, it was GOOD by default. She told me that she had broken up with her ex again, because she no longer wanted to follow him.
My thought then was for how long ?.
The summer vacation came and X. and I agreed to have no contact during my vacation. I missed her …. And often thought of her … and when she was out of my mind, I saw the same car as she’s driving. Every day again, to drive you crazy. Why does this happen?
On vacation we also met very nice people against a brother and sister who were on holiday together. He had once abandoned his family for another woman, and that had only caused him misery, we talked a lot about this and he was my counselor .
He has given me other insights. But X. kept pulling. One Sunday afternoon I had a big fight with my wife about the lack of intimacy … I went on Facebook and responded to a message from X. She responded right away and I said I was sorry I didn’t stick to the deal.
She asked how I was. I ventured my heart to her and said that I doubted my relationship. She supported me and wanted to change my mind, but I was so angry …
My wife saw on the laptop that I spoke with X., but also saw her reaction and she could appreciate that.
But with me there was doubt again, I loved my wife, but what did I feel for X …
I was awake at night, this could not go on and I made a drastic decision.
X. had to leave my system.
I deleted my Facebook account, I didn’t want to be confronted with her photos or messages anymore. They touched me too deeply …
I told M. August 16 that I could no longer have contact with her.
I was so sad and very open about my feelings for her, which I thought was then again in love.
I told her that I have never felt so much for a woman as for her …
But that I don’t want to be selfish by abandoning my family. Regardless of what she feels for me …
I think my wife deserves a man who is with her heart and soul with her, and not with another.
X. sent a short response in which she indicated to understand and respect me.
She wished me good luck and hoped that my wife and I would work it out together.
I had to promise my wife never to have contact with X. At that moment I also felt that this would be the right way.
Because I wanted to know what was wrong with me, I started searching the internet. I wanted to know more about Soul Relatives and then I came across this site.
I was completely shocked, because everything fell into place, the feelings, the attraction, the walking away …. Feeling intuitively whether she is doing well, she also had that with me …
Sometimes when I am struggling, I wish that I had never met X. But now I understand that our meeting has a reason and we are each other’s mirrors.
Yet the blood crept where it could not go … Because I wanted X. to know what I had discovered. I sent her a friend request through FB, which she did not accept … There was only 1 possibility left, I printed out the Soul-Loved Phases and wanted to put it in her letterbox with her. But when I stood at her door and saw that she was home … I had to ring the bell. She opened was surprised and greeted me with a hug, and when we held each other I broke.
X. was shocked by my overwhelming emotion … and I said that now understood why I am running away from her. She told me that every time I walk away, I hurt her a lot because she has separation anxiety. I indicated that I understood that now … and that I am the last person who wants to hurt her or hurt her. She asked if she should read it right away, I said she should do this at ease. I have been for an hour and she told me that when she was in contact with her ex, I had already felt this …
I also told her that I still feel when she is sad … I saw her eyes shed full of tears on this …
It felt pretty fast as usual, we talked about everything, but I felt tension in the house. She was afraid that her ex would find out that I was there again … she didn’t say that, but I could tell by everything. She was skinny and insecure, it hurt me to see her like that …

X. did give me something nice again, she mirrored me about the loss of my mother who died early from cancer. I never gave that a place, because of X. I knew what I had to do.
I found it difficult to leave her behind, but I felt calm that she now knew …

I also hoped for a long time for a reaction from X. We are now 10 weeks further and I have not heard from her anymore.
That hurts, but I did what I could.
Still had some contact with her sister, but I noticed that this was not very heartfelt either.
So I let it rest …

It is now early 2019 and I am fully in my process.
I followed EMDR to give a place to old traumas from the past. It was heavy and the days after I was demolished, but the load was much less.
I am also much more aware of my ego and what I am worth.
What I find the most difficult is that in this process you often get the feeling that you are alone, because nobody understands. And although the silence is sometimes deafening, I know that I no longer have to focus on X. I also meditate and experience tingling and emotions that come out of it, the tranquility that I then experience is great ..
My dear wife supports me through thick and thin, I also explained the phases to her.
She finds it difficult and is rather silent, while I know that X. will always be a part of me.
It is also difficult for my wife, so I don’t talk about it anymore.
I also feel physically more attracted to my wife and I love her a lot.
But X. touches my soul … and I also love her unconditionally …
I am struggling with my ego every day and notice that it is getting better step by step and that I can let go of X. I trust her will be fine.
There was, like many others, my pitfall, you lose yourself by giving yourself too much and you get unbalanced because of serious consequences.
As much as I would like it, I cannot solve X.’s issues. She has to do that herself …

So out of love I leave her alone.
Goodbye Sweet Girl, follow your heart, that shows you the way …