Since a month I have been on the spiritual path. I have always been fascinated by the spiritual world. For example, I often read my horoscope, called psychologists, and knew that there was more between heaven and earth. It feels like it’s time to explore and for the first time it feels good. I am not always stable and I have experienced a lot. Yet this road feels familiar and I find answers that I could not find anywhere else. The reason why I write this is mainly for myself, but also for my environment. I want to get to know myself better and explain why I make the choices I make. I know this is not necessary and that I do not owe anyone any explanation, but from my own self I feel good.
I met Eli three and half years ago. It was love at first sight. We have often talked about it and still find it special that we have found each other. He who was Jehovah’s Witnesses for 37 years, married for 18 years, and has two children. I, who for years went from boyfriend to boyfriend, loved parties and studied. We came from two different environments and yet when we saw each other we knew. We belong Together. After the first eye contact we kept meeting each other. We were in therapy in the same building. But we also met outside of therapy. One day we started talking and the spark was palpable. Without realizing it I had him eli
The first dates we had we told everything to each other. Instead of carefully scanning each other, everything came on the table. Both negative and positive. Instead of repelling each other, it felt familiar. It felt like I was talking to myself. I could never have been so open about my past and failures as during those dates. I was myself and didn’t have to be ashamed. He felt it too. One problem, he was married. Although his wife had put him out of the house two years ago and he lived on his own, he was in a fight. He wanted to give his marriage a chance, but how long did he have to wait to get back.
Our first encounters were actually friendly. I had already accepted that it would be nothing. Yet I had an attraction to him that I could not place. But I absolutely did not want to interfere with a marriage or force myself. I settled for how it went. Eli clearly liked me and the attraction between us was stronger than us.
After several ‘dates’ we had sex. It was shortly after we met. He knew that same evening. He chose me. He wanted to grow old with me and would say goodbye to his faith and marriage. To this day, we wonder how he knew. I just knew him, maybe I was a flirt and I would leave him after a few weeks. It was a feeling. A feeling that was so strong that he did not doubt it. I didn’t know what the future would bring us, but it felt good. Without hesitation, I went on with him.
In the following months I panicked several times. The feeling of this is the true flooded me. I fell back into destructive behavior. Alcohol, cheating and depression followed. Despite this, Eli stayed with me and forgave me for everything. Was this right? Should he have let me go? Maybe that was the best thing, but his unconditional love gave me hope.
In the following years I resumed myself. Since that time I came to life more and more. I started working on my future. I felt that Eli supported me enormously in this. He knew that I was ambitious and did not want to sit at home forever depressed. I wrote a book, started a website and finally started my own company. The unconditional love of Eli paid off. I felt powerful and strong.
But now. Now the roles are reversed. Eli has been struggling since six months. The optimism he had at the start of our relationship has given way to a dark cave. He doesn’t like it anymore and is surviving instead of living.
He fights with his own demons. Alcohol, cheating, aggression. Destruction predominates. He wants to destroy himself and preferably his environment. Now it is up to me to love unconditionally. He is my twinflame and I will not let him fall. Yet I have to be careful that I do not go beyond my own limits. The unity that we feel when we are together is indescribable. I also feel the pain he feels.
Despite his behavior, I know that he loves me. He lost his way, just like me at the start of our relationship. We have now consciously chosen to live separately. We both see that this is the best. I can help him to some extent, but this is his path and his fight.
I help him by releasing him for now. We stay together and will do everything we can to get through this. It hurts me so much to see my soulmate suffer so much. I prefer to take away his pain and hold him tight and put it in a small box to protect him from the evil outside world. I see him fighting, but it seems in vain.
We have outside help. Nobody understands how we feel. Only he and I feel that this is true love. Are we dependent on each other? No, because we know we can do it ourselves. By both looking for a home of our own, we are thrown back on our own strength. We will have to deal with the lonely nights and choose each other out of free will. It is a deepening of our relationship.
I don’t expect anyone to understand what we are going through. From my spiritual self I feel that I am connected with him. At a higher level than what is understandable for an outsider.
I have peace with it. Even if all the problems we encounter cause us to break up. Then I will stay connected to him. He is my twinflame. I see myself when I look at him. I see my positive and negative sides. That is confronting, but also beautiful. Without him I could not have achieved what I have achieved so far. I love him unconditionally. I know I can give this love. Now it’s my job to feel this love for myself.