S390. It feels like he’s coming my way to give myself back again


The first meeting and the touch of that person makes you upset. I enjoyed his presence and he enjoyed me too. During that period I regularly date because I felt free so I could be completely my own. I had nothing to lose. But the band that came over us both. I immediately thought this is too beautiful. He gave me so much love in his hugs, words, sincerity. I became anxious because what’s too good can make you lose and that hurts. I wanted to resist not going along with it. Afraid of losing myself. At the same time I thought, enjoy the moments because it felt like everything was standing still. All thoughts fell from me. It was a relationship first in the form to do fun things. Because I have had a divorce myself. He studied at a later age. He was also 8 years younger.

There were obstacles. We were both afraid of entering into a relationship so our contact was so nice because we both agreed to do fun things together. Because I could give back love I got scared. Abandonment fear I started to deal with this because wanted to handle old pain. His backpack also came up. He also has a way to go. Deep inside I knew that this would pass because he had to learn some life lessons. But I wanted to have this forever. Deep love also frightens you.

I wanted a love affair because it felt great something I have never experienced so intense. He saw no future because he still has to work on a problem. Something he has to fight for himself.

He finally said that we should let go of each other. Although I knew somewhere but had chosen to open my heart. Did it so much. The intense 7 months were suddenly gone. I think at that moment all the grief of everything came out. I could not remember even that part of my adoption as a baby. But now I knew it. It felt so safe so loving and it was gone.

What I was afraid of happened to me. I could open my heart. And yes its loss hurts because I had to process. I got up after that day and I was no longer my own. I had to completely reset myself. That period was a fight but I had to go through it. Those beautiful moments I can give and receive love again. After two months we dare not see each other. We miss each other so much but time will tell.

The most special: My life, control everything turns it upside down. Fear love so much emotion at the same time. Every moment I was with him, I enjoyed being the last. I went through my fear. What I was afraid of happened. But that made me so strong, and he’s got the same thing. I asked him if he felt the same way. Because you can’t explain it to others. It feels like he’s coming my way to give myself back again.

Eroticism: The emotion that came with it, the intensity. I even got words in my head that I wasn’t allowed to pronounce. I wanted to say I love you so much. I got dizzy in my head and wanted it to stay that way. When I think back, I get that same dizziness and warmth. I find it so special that I have never had this with other two relationships.

For me, the soul-loving feeling feels like coming home, familiar, warm, loving, you forget everything around you, time stands still. You come to your own fear. You come to yourself that you can give back so much love. You feel connectedness in your head remotely. At the same time you are afraid of losing it and never experiencing it again.

The relationship has ended. In the beginning I fell into a hole. Every day I got up crying. I always went on with everything but now that did not work. I knew this had to come sometime. But why everything works simultaneously and this. Where was my survival mode. I started writing to him and myself in a diary. I started exercising, meditating, reading. I had to repack myself but it took time. I was not allowed to think about that time, I had to let it go, leaving something so difficult behind me. After two months I managed to get back to myself. Self love. I still think about him daily, but without pain. I give love at a distance and he feels the same. Why do I sometimes wonder. I think because I had to go through my fear and old pain. He wants me to be open to someone else because his confidence is not there that I deserve him by my side. In addition, I already have children. It seems like it’s not the time from him

I am not looking for a soul love again. That is not possible now. I’m still processing. But I do know if I go for love or for such. But time will tell. When I again fully enjoy being only self-love like I did then, it comes I am convinced of that.

I have followed my heart, I have worked on my own. I have plans for the future and stay positive. I am grateful

My tip: Follow your heart and your feelings. It opens doors and remains grateful even though this is not always what so many things are. Be open but let it go again. Think in here and now and not in the future because you cannot fill that in.