S381. It has made me stronger and more spiritual


I saw his photo on the internet and knew that he was going to address me. That was just a feeling. And he did. After a difficult time, including a divorce, I completely lost confidence in men and I just wanted to be happy again. I agreed to meet with him because I was incredibly drawn to him without ever seeing him, I just couldn’t help but meet him.

When I saw him, he was immediately in my system. There was an incredible attraction. Perhaps in terms of appearance, not quite my type but I found him the most beautiful man on earth. I immediately trusted him. He immediately went home, which I would normally never do. Many more meetings followed. He unleashed everything in me, feelings of hope, despair, joy, sadness, energy, powerlessness, joy, he really awoke everything in me, I was alive again!

But a love relationship between us was not possible. There was a big age difference, everything I had already done, such as a long relationship and children, he still had to start. There was also someone in his life with whom he got involved in the short term. Because of his faith and culture that was already certain and I was no reason to break that down because I would not be accepted in his culture as an older divorced Dutch woman. Moreover, I granted him happiness such as a stable relationship and children though it hurt when I thought about it. I enjoyed the moments with him. All my pain, sadness, insecurities, worries and worry and the people who had hurt me through my childhood and divorce did not exist when I was with him. It was then only him and I totally absorbed. We could not stay away from each other and the world stood still. He gave me a lot of energy that I could use for days and weeks
s he had been.

But slowly we started to separate ourselves from each other. He because he got married and I because I realized that if we continued to meet, the pain would soon be unbearable if we went on like this. Attracting and repelling was a fact with many confrontations and quarrels in which we also hurt each other very much. Sometimes I said my opinion so unsalted that we had a terrible fight that we said we would never see each other again. Then we were so angry! But that always went away again. Then came the fear that I might never see him again, but he always came back. Because 1 of us again contacted or that ‘coincidence’ brought us back together. That just happened, but in hindsight it was quite surprising. No matter how I hurt him or how blunt and distant he did, we were never angry for a long time.

Soul love has made me think. That regardless of appearance, age, culture, whatever differences there may be a deep intense bond between two people. It has made me stronger and more spiritual.

The eye contact and the touch were the most special.

The eroticism was amazing, indescribable. The sex itself might not have meant much but just the touch, I felt his skin on my skin in every fiber in my body. I had no thoughts during sex that I always had with others. I absorbed him completely and just felt.

But then we still had to say goodbye to each other. No matter how much my heart screamed and how much I longed for him, I granted him happiness. Every day I went to bed and got up with him in my heart. I was literally sick of it. I don’t know how he experienced this. He was very closed about his feelings but my feeling says that he also found it difficult. After a few months he contacted me again to tell him he was married. Of course that did a lot to me but the feeling, the bond between us was still there and unchanged. I asked if he came 1 more time and he did. It was as usual, but always with the realization that another goodbye was approaching forever. However, after that it was still not possible to separate, we continued to pull towards each other. Another meeting followed with a farewell which tore me apart inside but which I did not show him. But no matter how beautiful and fine it is
was with him, the realization that goodbye was lurking again and again tore me apart and it was better that we would no longer see each other. He agreed because he was also torn apart by a feeling of guilt towards his wife and by the double life he led. He didn’t want to cheat. We kept in touch at a distance. Sometimes the desire and lack of him was so enormous that I always consider breaking off contact with him at a distance, but I did not succeed. We tried to have as little contact with each other as possible, and sometimes we succeeded for a few days or weeks, but then we asked again how we were doing and we said we missed each other.

The contact was fine but not satisfactory enough anymore because the desire for each other was too great. I asked what he wanted and then he said he wanted to meet, but because that was no longer possible, we kept arguing about this. A few weeks ago I told him that he should decide what he wanted. Terminate or arrange contact. He did not respond anymore. He broke off all contact. I am desperate and sad but on the other hand this had to happen once. It couldn’t have been this way. This was his way to stop and if he hadn’t done it I would have had to do it. He is still in my heart but I am really trying to continue my life and make something out of it

I may someday be able to love someone again and that would never be possible while I was still in contact with him. He also awarded me the very best, he has often said that. And the best for the two of us is no contact because then we are stopped in our personal growth. Maybe we will be ready for it later. But I don’t have to stick to that anymore. Sometimes I have my doubts and wonder if I have not imagined everything. That which was between us, but on the other hand when I listen to my feelings it feels like there is a bond between us forever and that this can never go wrong. Even though there is no longer any contact and we are now physically separated, I feel it everywhere in and around me.

I don’t think I can ever have the same unconditional sense of soul for someone else, but maybe someday I will have a stable relationship again even though I don’t have to think about it now.