S379. A struggle


I met him at the age of 22 at a party where I introduced himself to him. I didn’t know what happened but it was overwhelming. I turned again and he looked up too. In the following weeks he regularly came by ‘by chance’ because his sister lived in my house. We spent hours on my bench, sometimes busy conversations, sometimes saying nothing for nothing and just looking at each other. He had a girlfriend who didn’t feel right for me, I never showed this. The moment he broke up with her, I had met someone again. This went on between the ages of 22 and 24. I made a rigorous choice, why I do not know to this day. I experienced it so intensely that it frightened me. For years we have not spoken to each other until I had a coach through my work. When it came up, he said, “well, then you call him, right? ”I did it and we met him at my house. In the meantime we were 31. There we met for the first time
kissed. Then we knew: we would live on together. He went on vacation with his girlfriend and after that we would inform our partners. I have been living together for 6 years now. The day he was on the plane I discovered that I was pregnant with my partner. My heart was broken, especially when he said back from vacation 4 weeks later that he would want me with child and all. This is the most intense thing anyone has ever said to me. The unconditional ..

I couldn’t handle it and took a distance. After the delivery, we met again with a cup of coffee and I kept my distance. We took our distance again, but actually he was always there in my head. Until 2012. I received an email from him asking how I was doing. We met and then I knew for sure: We will never separate again …

I opened my heart on the spot and surrendered to it. We apparently belonged together. This was mutual but we did not speak it out. We only had sex after half a year and everything was negotiable. This was very overwhelming. There was only one point: we both had a family. He two children, I a child. We wondered if our happiness was worth more than the sadness we would do to everyone else. The feeling of happiness, sadness, guilt, regret alternated.

It became a struggle. He kept saying that he stayed with his girlfriend and that would not change. With every written sentence or spoken words my heart shrank. The secret meetings, fierce free parties became too much for me. Where my feeling became more and more intense, he disappeared behind glass. I didn’t penetrate anymore. I went under. It had to get a place and because he didn’t want to continue with me it had to stop. I put an end to it, the next day I ran back because it was not possible at all. Two days later it was ready. My heart died a little … I have never cried and felt so much in my life.

And now half a year later. The unconditional, even though we have a partner, remains. So actually for 25 years. I have always felt it that way, even now for his children, but even for his wife. I could never hurt him. So if we would have gone further together, I would always be there for them. We have not seen each other for almost half a year and have agreed that we will inform each other about important matters. This went faster than I thought, and was completely upset again. He wrote yesterday ‘I will never find out what it is between us, at least something very special that I will keep and protect in my heart’

Dear Rob, know that we are connected to each other forever. Keeping so intense is also letting go. I carry you in my heart and spread this love to others in my area. It’s good … x