S370. If you would ask me what you live for: then the answer is to see him again


I don’t know where to start. Occasionally I return to this website. Do I hope for answers? I have been going through my head lately, but there is no thought of love. I see so much around me that nothing has to do with love and is called love. What preceded this is something that I no longer know what it was.

I met him on a Friday night in the pub. I walked in and it was as if something took my breath away. At the next sigh I said, what a nice guy. I kept looking and he looked back. I stood with my back to the wall and a friend said: talk to him in God’s name. I refused. I was scared. I was staring stiffly at the most fascinating thing I had ever seen. He spoke to me. We talked for hours that evening. He more than me. He was very open. I heard exactly what he said that was important to him. And now that I look back on it, I think he’s in the same boat as me. Both a bit lost and lost.

Despite the lack of energy and the joy of living, the same bars return to the same city. Now and then we meet. We have spoken to each other that we will always have a weakness for each other, that conversation ended in panic with me and anger with him, but the agreement that we would never do anything that would make it “weird” between “us”.

Our contact now always ends in a fight. Panic in the one leads to anger in the other and so it alternates. Until the last time. Angry at each other because we both don’t dare together. At least I think so.

Previously I dreamed of him daily. That I was looking for him, but I didn’t find it. I also got signs. We have the same history, the same disorders (really things you never belong to).

Anyway. I have more or less given up … Maybe the lesson is that I have to overcome my fear of the future and being with someone. But I would not know how. I usually think that if something causes so much stress, it cannot be good. But on the other hand, if you would ask me what do you live for: then the answer is to see him again