S342. He is holding my mirror


During a very difficult period in my life, I fell for him again … or rather, I finally admitted it after so many years. I have known him for a very long time and there has always been something special between us.
I did not know what happened to me and I started a search. I wanted to know for what reason he is and remains in my life. That has always been my idea: he is there for a reason. Why we still have that strong bond. And that’s how I discovered it on the internet. I have not told him so far, but he writes and says all the things on this website: so I feel that he himself is also looking for what is right between us.

It is a rollercoaster of emotions that I could not / could not stop. I feel so much. An indescribable bond between the two of us, a sense of guilt towards my partner and children for what I feel, yearn for my ZL, tristesse and joy, confusion and desire. It is very difficult to put into words what I think about or feel for him, for him, with him ..

Our relationship is very intense. Both emotionally and physically. He releases things in me. He takes me to places I have never been before. He can sit flat in my soul with the least glance, touch, word or kiss. Never experienced. A heat beam that is getting brighter. A wonderful feeling with him, the clock that brings us back to reality. Distance from very very close.

My partner knows nothing. That makes it difficult, he is my biggest secret. And I feel so much for him. Both our relationships and our children stand between us. And the attracting – pushing away story.
We want a love affair, but we can’t.

We often talk about “later” or a future, but time ticks on. We are still young and it is still possible, but rather we can not dare to lose ourselves. At the moment our relationship is more distant. The excesses are always in between. He can hold the boat faster than me.
I want him around me all the time, want to hear, see, feel, smell, taste … He doesn’t like it either. We are in relationships. This is not satisfactory, we would like it differently.

He has been walking behind me for years with a mirror, adoring and loving me for years. Has been telling me for years who I am, how I am and how crazy he is about me. I only looked back a year ago and saw myself .. And the one who holds the mirror.

Our very first kiss was very special. It was small if you look at it “technically” but one that I will never forget. It went straight through my soul, straight through my whole me. I have never felt what I felt then. When we make love is completely different. Much more intense and much more connected than ever. He can make me float in every way possible.

Believe me, I’ve been trying infinitely to express my feelings in poems or trying to write down, and I’ve almost written books: I can’t figure it out. It is impossible to describe what a connection exists between us.
If our relationship ever really ends, it is because we will never be able to accept that we cannot REALLY be together. I will never come across this kind of love again, I am sure of it.

There is so much to tell about my feeling for this man. I just never felt this intensity. It’s so damn hard and I’ve been in a situation that I have never wanted for so long.
But my soul love lingers and I really can’t place it. He is and remains there. He comes back every time (or vice versa) no matter how hard we try to build in real distance. we love each other. Cannot and cannot do without each other.

I am desperate!

I often wonder if I am telling myself things. Everything fits with what can be read here on the site. But what if I ended up in a standard affair and just need a lot of attention and get it from him? Isn’t it just that ?? Am I kidding myself?