S317. I’ve never felt it that deep


I knew him half a year before it happened. At that time there was nothing, I even thought: what a strange man.

Until we went to “camp”, in a different environment than where we always met. There was one moment. A moment when we looked at each other and the world literally seemed to stand still. Everything around us fell away. It won’t have lasted longer than two seconds, but it felt like minutes. At that moment everything within me started violently. Everything changed. I was totally upset and had no idea what happened to me. I felt love, pain, sadness, fear, joy, inspiration and all at the deepest level. I’ve never felt it that deep. And not all that at the same time and so intense. As if he pierced the heart of my soul with his eyes. As if he hooked up on my deepest core.

Immediately afterwards I had a dream. A very short dream, but more realistic than any other dream I have ever had. I dream a lot and often and very realistic, but this was different. I lay against him and we kissed each other. The same depth was tapped in that dream as at the moment I describe above. I could really touch him. For days the feeling of that dream stayed with me and I could not let go. Deep in my stomach is a sparkling energy that is always there from that moment.
It has been going on for three years now and I have had three times such a dream, in which we were closer to each other than I have ever been to anyone. But every time I saw him, after such a dream, it was different. I still felt the impact of those dreams, and the moment when everything started, but it seemed that there was something between us when we met in daily life. And that has not changed to this day.

The relationships are complicated. He is my superior and he is very fiercely against relationships in this relationship. In addition, I have been in a relationship with an intensely sweet, brave, safe and stable man for 5 years. But since I experienced that moment, everything in me and therefore also in my relationship has started to falter. I get irritated by the most nonsensical things and I am more unstable. Every time I see him I feel what I am missing in my own relationship; he is the only one who can inspire me so, who makes me live. Literally. When I see him, my body almost bursts apart with the energy and emotions that come loose.

We flirted innocently for a long time. At least it seems that way. He once sat down opposite me on the other side of the room full of people I knew and just watched. It is always a fight for me. I change completely when I’m around him. I get nervous, quiet, intensely happy and at the same time intensely unhappy. He reflects the lust for life that I had as a child and that I gradually lost and that is now coming up again in all its intensity. I have to keep it inside, which is almost impossible, but I can’t tell him. And yet I think: he has known for a long time. Nobody can tell me that what happens is only felt by me. But I do not know. I don’t know what he feels for me, I don’t know if he sees everything about me.
But I am scared. Afraid of the intense desire that I experience, afraid of the intense happiness, the violence that accompanies all this. I’m afraid of his denial. I’m afraid I’m telling myself things that aren’t like that. I’m afraid I have to say goodbye to my current love because I can’t do it anymore. It is a continuous battle between an intense longing for what he releases in me and the safe haven and the rock in the surf at home, which deserves that someone go 100% for him. Who doesn’t deserve to be hurt so much. I told him that I fell in love with another man and he showed understanding. But it makes him so insecure.

Then came the moment when he introduced his girlfriend to me. As if a brick was thrown in my face. He accosted me, she stood by and he did not let me go. I wanted nothing more than to leave, but he kept forcing me to talk. I started to overcompensate. He laughed about it. He was nervous, confused. She disappeared completely in the fight between us. It didn’t matter. It does not matter. I’m in a process that needs to be finished. He is starting a new process. The relationships are in the way. But I am convinced that this is not the end. There is still something between us, but this is not the time. It is not for nothing that I see him from one moment to the next in a house where I stand above a cradle and put a baby to bed while he stands behind me and looks at me. I see him with a child on his stomach. I see his face when he holds his baby for the first time … I feel that there will come a time when we are two and everything that needs to be said can be said. Wordless. Everything is going to fall into place … I seem crazy. It must be terrifying if I told him this. It’s not possible. And yet I know for sure that this is not the end. Maybe the beginning.