S282. I ended up in a total reboot


I ran into Her on a dating site shortly after my 60th birthday. Recognized her from the photo right away – this is the one I’ve always been waiting for.
Fortunately there was a response – unfortunately she was already dating … but fortunately she had come up with a good reason to see me anyway.
Shortly thereafter I came to her house, and from the first moment I had the experience that I was at home. Everything was right, which is never the case with a date. Also saw her rising astonishment arise, saw her change. I looked desperately in my head for indications that I should continue. They weren’t there.
We are also very similar, could be brother and sister. Astrology was also correct as it turned out later.
Characters? I was inundated with it. When I drove to her for the 2nd meeting, all the traffic lights were green. And there aren’t any of those.

Heard a few weeks later what it had meant for her, as if she had met her twice, just like me. That was the only moment that we really had contact about what we have together. Was waved goodbye or I was going to emigrate …
This was so big that it just wasn’t comprehensible to me. But I couldn’t get around it, that much was clear.
The next day she sent me a message that she wanted to get away. Why, she did not say that and I knew that I was not allowed to ask that the conversation had ended at that time. Not the contact, we still see each other in a project. In a subject that we both experience intensively. Now she has a relationship with her boyfriend.

When I am with her or on the phone, I am in total surrender. I fall over. Not that you see anything on the outside … although she might see it. The same thing happens to her, I think, when I look at her. But I don’t know if she realizes that.
The world is disappearing, there is only 1 thing left for me, us. Say everything automatically, and don’t have to think about anything. We have actually become the world together.
But there came a period of terribly rejecting signals (no, she doesn’t mean that), and reckless opening of doors (I don’t think she really wants what she is suggesting now). Where I had to be careful in between.

I ended up in a total reboot. All the important decisions I made in my life suddenly fell into place, pointing to this meeting. And what I have written, painted …
A lot also changed in my experience. I am sensitive and telepathic, but suddenly a dimension was added. Also got stuck with emotions that I couldn’t handle. Also started to change physically, my body no longer seemed like mine. Even began to fear for my health.
Like I said, I couldn’t ignore it. And started looking for help. And then there is the bizarre of past lives, that you may have an idea but that reality cannot be imagined.
Our past has torn us out of our love affair, neither of us could do anything about it, and since then we have had a blockade. Have never got over it. Love relationships no longer work. We will first have to solve that together.
Now know why my love relationships were not successful. Now that I know, I know that I no longer have to look for someone else. It would make no sense at all.

That gives peace, but at the same time there is the sadness that we cannot continue together now. In addition to the unspeakable joyous experience that there is someone just like me, who feels and thinks like me, who recognizes me in everything, who is always ahead of me, who represents my world and my destiny.
This is bigger than a love affair alone. But that is part of it, especially since we have a problem with that together.

In my opinion, life only consists of periods that I have to see by coming through until we see each other again. I always think about her. Day and night. Like my children, when they were small, but more intensive.
I feel her in my heart every day. And try not to worry about her.
But cannot but respect her feelings and her decision. Whatever I told her later. Can only remain in my own love. Release all fears that now arise, throw out every scenario. After all, life writes its own scenario, as has now been shown. And now I can only live it as if it is starting over every day.

I can’t say it is more beautiful. There is someone who could do that. I quote his poem below:

I carry your heart with me

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
(I carry it in my heart)

(EE Cummings)