S255. 25 years ago


25 years ago we got to know each other. We were not introduced to each other but did it ourselves. From the moment we looked at each other there was a magnetism that I had never experienced before with anyone. I knew you felt this too. From that moment my life revolved around you. Yet you were not as aware of it as I was. I was craving for you, but you were in a fight because you had just ended a 2-year relationship and had split up with a fight. You couldn’t handle this. Loose ends broke you up.

I was constantly thinking about you. I thought, breathed, felt you. I had never experienced such an enormous attraction with anyone. And you also made me feel special. You made me complete.

We had a short love affair but you went back to your ex-girlfriend because you felt like you couldn’t go on like this. I have watched your lonely fight but have kept myself aloof. Pain in my heart but I had to let you go. We had no future in this way.

I have now found you again after 25 years. And again there is that enormous attraction. We are going to meet soon and it is not a question of whether we are going to meet. It is not an option not to do that. This feeling is so strong that it almost needs to be sent from heaven because I can’t even fight it. I don’t want to fight it either. And I am very afraid that I will come home to you. Because then I cannot continue in my current relationship. My partner knows nothing about all this but has a 6th sense and often feels things. I am silent at the moment and so am I, but I am afraid that he does sense that I am in a different state of mind than before.

My soulmate is married and I am too. Yet it does not prevent us from meeting each other. At the moment we sometimes chat with each other but everything revolves around seeing and touching each other. I have to look him in the eyes and then I know for sure. I feel that our love is still there in all its intensity. And it scares me and uncertain especially because I’ve been loyal to my husband for 25 years.

That a love relationship comes out of it is beyond doubt for me. But now I speak for myself. He shows that he really wants me. I am sure that if he has seen me again he cannot go back. Strange how can I know that. I haven’t seen him for 25 years and yet I know it.

Now it’s a remote relationship with some chat and texting. But not very much. He is married and so am I. He has children, not me. Fortunately, they are already quite big of him and no little ones under 10.

At the moment I am only experiencing confusion, fear and the overwhelming feeling that this must be the case. That there is no escape from both sides.

He responded to an email from me. I’ve been looking for him for a long time. Actually all my life after our break. Always thought of him. Not every day, but every now and then he came to mind again. How would he be, is he happy? What would his life look like, etc. By chance I found an email address that I suspected could be. I looked for him with pure intentions, just to know how it was with the man who had always made me feel that I was special. But I was totally unprepared for the fact that he would confess to me that he had been sorry all his life for having gone back to his ex-girlfriend. This has released so much from me that I was crying in the living room. And I was shocked by my own reaction. Why did this happen? Why so much impact on me. This is something from 25 years ago !!

Eroticism is coming. We have only slept together once in the past. I can only remember the feeling that he gave me. That I was very beautiful, very special and very worthwhile.

It is a feeling that is so overwhelming that it is almost impossible to describe in words. It takes your breath away, rational thinking. It is an addiction. I think of him every step of the way. Keep my computer constantly in the hope of getting a message. Always check my phone hoping to receive an SMS. And I also find it completely ridiculous because I haven’t seen or spoken to him for 25 years. And now I have the feeling that I cannot live without him. That I will give up everything for him without glance or blush. That I have been incomplete all those years.

I sought him with pure intentions and never thought that this would be the outcome. At the same time I have a strong feeling that this is karma. That we belong together. That I know him through and through while we only dealt with each other for about two months 25 years ago. That he complements me and I him. That I can bring his soft side more forward and this is the intention. Because I know that he also has a hard side that is perhaps more developed now. At the same time I am terrified of what is to come. The sadness this will bring in 2 long-term relationships. But blowing off is just not an option. I MUST continue this and I don’t know why. As if I’m being sent that direction. And I know it’s mutual. That he feels the same as me. But as soon as I meet him and look into my eyes, I know for sure.

Is it worth all this? Should I continue to do this even though I feel like I am going to die inside. My heart has awakened for the first time in years. I have not felt what I feel now for 25 years, although I have loved my current partner intensively and still love him. The confusion is the worst. The struggle between morality and what you feel and want deep down deep inside.