S222. About love

What if your heart no longer beats, for those for whom it should always be beating? What if love has such an impact that your rational thoughts, no matter how rational you may be, leave you?
What if your body, your soul craves, yearns for that one, out of reach …

What if you live on the other side of the world
And his language is not yours …

In 1999 (I was 32 at the time) I found my neighbor dead in his kitchen. If that had not happened I would never have spontaneously went to Australia with my friend (bar) and my son (then almost 2). We stayed with my friend’s friend (R) for 4 weeks at home. The relationship with my friend was not good and from the first moment I was completely upset by R. I just felt such a big energy between us, not normal!I had never experienced that with anyone before. I felt very safe and very loved by him. My friend wanted me to have sex with both of them, and tried to get it done from day 1. This of course I thought was a ridiculous idea. If we hadn’t missed the plane back home this would never have happened … So I ended up standing in front of him that last evening and I grabbed his hands. He pulled me onto my lap.
Later I met two men on the grass under the Zuiderkruis. I just couldn’t get around it, this was so strong, it was ‘Now or Never’ and well, my friend wanted this so bad? Well then! I never had sex with someone as intimately as I did with him that night …
The next day we had to leave. It was hell. My knees nodded and I really thought I’d faint.
It was not spoken about, but I knew and felt that he experienced it that way. Just as I knew that what had happened that night was unprecedented for him. (I am very rational)
I just stayed in love. Always.
About a year later we got internet at work. As soon as I figured out how that worked, I sent him an email.
Since then we have had mail contact.
Very careful in the beginning, never superlifting. What I find striking is that he has pretty much the same writing style as me. Also the same humor.
I’ve saved all emails.
My slat relationship didn’t get any better, but we still stayed together. R came to the Netherlands in 2001. Again I had sex with 2 men. In my eyes, it was the only way to have sex with him at all. Understand well that I have never done this with other men or would like! Afterwards we slept with the three of us in bed, I in the arms of R. The next day (he had to go to England in the evening, a lot of family visits in Europe) we walked in the Vondelpark and through the city. I walked there hand in hand with two men. People looked strange but I didn’t care! His hand in mine was (and still is) a very special feeling. “Are you coming to England?” All day long we walked hand in hand. I thought I went crazy when he finally left …
Every time it feels like my heart is being pulled out of my chest, as if the bottom is disappearing under my feet …

My boyfriend and I broke up a bit later. I continued to mail with R. Often in a light-hearted way, but also about the problems I experienced as a single mother. And yes, also about the men I have met in my life. Our emails were honest and open, but never heavy on hand.
Often I longed to be with him so much that I got visions that I was actually with him. That I saw him could touch, caress. It really seemed that strong that I got very emotional. He later wrote to me that (although he does not believe in it at all) it seemed that there was a ghost in his house …

When my son was just 5 I got to know my current husband. R. visited us about one year later one evening when he was staying with my ex in Amsterdam. We decided to eat something on a terrace on the water. My husband and my son went by bike, and R and I walked there. Hand in hand. I have always been honest with my husband about the feelings I had for ‘that crazy aussi’. Decorates him for being so good at it, and respecting our friendship. A few hours later I brought him back to the station. Again I was completely upset, even though no chicken noticed anything. Said goodbye very cool. Especially Don’t Show Emotions. I thought to myself that I just romanticized R in my head.
I was really crazy about my husband. We got married in 2005. R was happy for me, he emailed, but also jealous.
Four years ago R and his daughter J. came to stay with us for a few days. His daughter was then 15. The feeling I have when he is with me is so indescribably overwhelming. It seems as if I live 200%. As if time does not exist. As if I am in a different dimension. Of course the relationship with R was purely platonic. But our eyes made love in every look.
On the last evening, daughter J. told me that her father had been in love with me for a long time.
The next morning I brought them to the station. Just before boarding he gave me a kiss on my mouth. And after days I still felt that kiss burning on my lips.

My married life didn’t get any better. I also wrote many of these problems to R. who gave me advice such as ‘In good times and in the bath’, ‘The grass always seems greener’

Last May he came to stay again for a few days. He started exploring Northern Europe with his motorcycle. He arrived on Friday morning, and that enormous energy was right there again. We had 1 precious afternoon with the two of us. So what do you do then? Messages at the AH, on the hunt for a trolly for your mother’s birthday the next day and pick up a terrace! Of course!! But no matter what I do with him, everything and everywhere is and becomes very special and special.
Everything was and is magic with him around me.
We don’t even have to talk. Just being together is a very expensive gift. To feel his presence, his aura, to be able to look into his eyes. He told me, among other things, that he wanted to be alone with me on those nights. That he thought it was terrible that he could not cuddle with me afterwards …
in the evening we went pool with my husband and son. When we stood alone for a while (My husband was standing at the bar) the attraction became so incredibly strong. He smelled of me, looked at me so intensely, said my scent made me crazy (in a sense, I believe). I asked if I could kiss him. He then said: ‘one moment’ and went to my husband to ask permission !!
My husband knows what is going on and I think I should ‘figure out what I really feel’ and said that that was ok. R did not, however. Did not want to share me, did not want to abuse my husband’s hospitality. Later, the three of us walked home hand in hand. (my son had already gone himself before, he is now 13)
R has told my husband that he is really crazy about me. They both know where they stand from each other.
After 2 nights, R left for Scandinavia. As always on departure, he asked if I would go … And again I said no. And again I broke inside …

Much has changed in the field of communication in 11.5 years. So it happened that we got a lot of sms contact while he was in Europe. “ILU” made its appearance, which should be read as “I Love You.” It seems that everything between us is only getting stronger. He also called occasionally. We became more open to each other. “I could get old listening to your voice every evening”. But we remained rational. I have my obligations here.
I thought so. But I’m completely upset. Last week on the MSN he wrote “I miss you” and confirmed that that was really true when I asked him. But also: “You are to much a fam. Girl, you can never be happy in Oz” in an earlier telephone conversation.

I have been absent since R’s departure in May. Can’t enjoy my daily life anymore. Give my husband too little attention. My son. Eat badly. Just think about my life. Last Friday my husband said that I might have to go. To Australia. Only. He wants clarity. I need clarity. Even though R. is completely separate from the fact that our marriage is going downhill. My husband knows he is No. 2 in my heart. And he’s jealous. Don’t want to lose me.
He told me that if this is really That strong, this feeling for R. that I should go for it. That I then have to choose that, even though I am so sad with others. Even though I feel obliged to take care of my parents. I can not take my parents their grandson, and my child his current life. And I know now, even after reading the stories on this site, that I will become unhappy and that I will be wrong to everyone around me if I don’t start using it now.

So I’m figuring it out. Exposed with the buttocks. Maybe it was just a fantasy man? Am I idealizing something that has never been entirely?
Eleven and half years in love with a man I have seen in all for just 5 weeks?
But Such a Huge Impact. My (emotional) life would have been a lot easier if I had never met him.

The song ‘With You’ by Anouk describes exactly what I feel. (“Three days in a Row” is also very appropriate!)

My mail to him is out the door.
I will wait. Brave waiting …