S155. I love him more than my own life


It started 30 years ago, at the dance school I met a nice boy, his name was Willem. We had a relationship and fell hopelessly in love. I was only 14 years old, and after half a year I broke up with it because his love began to oppress me. I knew that I hurt him a lot, but as a 14 year old you don’t think about it that much.
We have seen each other again twice, but we were both already married.
After 30 years we have found each other again. Still both married and he 2 children, I 3 children. My relationship came to an end, often tried again, but it just didn’t work anymore. Willem and I talked a lot about this and came to the conclusion that things were not going well in both of our marriages. There were many similarities.

The spark broke again after a few meals. Willem told me that he had always loved me. All those years he has been looking for me. I also loved him a lot, but because I had experienced quite a few annoying things, I couldn’t open myself up for him right away. Only after a few months I started to believe in this happiness again and was completely his. He kept saying how much he loved me and that was certainly true.
In the meantime I had requested the divorce, but not because I had been doing it for quite a while, and he had only started thinking seriously about it after he got me back. Half a year after our meeting, he felt a huge sense of guilt towards his children. He had already left his wife, but nothing official yet.

His lack of children became so intense that he broke off the relationship with me. I was completely upset and swallowed too many medicines on a whim so I ended up in the hospital. He found me and didn’t know what to do anymore. He was torn between his love for me and that for the children. We then picked up the thread again, but it became increasingly difficult. He also felt guilty towards his wife, is it fair what he does to her, she has always been good to him.
We decided to take it a bit easier. His children are really sweet boys, while mine is also sweet, but they go their own way. They still blame me for having carried out the divorce, and have now become pretty loose. Willem cannot handle this. Children should respect their parents. The result was that Willem no longer wanted to come to my house because the behavior of my children went beyond all limits and he could not see that they hurt me so much with it.
The conversations between Willem and me started to get worse, when I started talking about my children, he closed off, so I didn’t talk about it anymore.

Our sex life was wonderful. I could never have imagined that I could love someone so much.
A few days before Christmas, Willem was again troubled by his feelings for his children. He did go out with them every afternoon, but he missed the daily conversations.
We were away for 2 days at Christmas, longing for 2 happy days without worries. It turned out differently. I said something, he replied, I thought he did not understand my opinion and started explaining it, then it got out of hand and it became a very tough conversation again. The mood was completely gone and neither of us could do anything to change this. It also continued to play on the 2nd day.
When we drove home, it was icy silence, I cried inside and he shut himself off.
2 days ago he said he wanted to think about his life, he loves me a lot, but in his head it is a mess that means he can no longer overlook anything.
He wanted to talk last night and told me he was going to end the relationship. My heart stopped. I love him more than my own life and I know he does too. But he says that the heavy conversations break him down completely and that he can no longer compete.
In addition, his love for his children, which he can no longer handle.
We cried together.

He now chooses his children. Unfortunately, his feelings for his wife are completely gone, he had told her and the children repeatedly. His wife continued to send him continuous text messages, in the trend of: I miss you, I am going to change, your feelings will also return to you, the children cannot live without you.
Now I understand him and also know how difficult this is for him. Because my children do not accept him and his children do not accept me, he almost does not see a future for us together. He had a quiet and safe life and with me it turned completely upside down. Because I was often so insecure, I probably gave him too much love that made him feel under pressure.
Now I feel empty and I don’t feel like living without him anymore. He means everything to me. Such a love that you only experience once in your life.
What is so difficult for me is that I know how much we mean to each other and that I have to let go to go back to his old home. 
He will also have a hard time because he cannot forget me in everything he does.
Our love was real, close, and unconditional.
I can’t believe it’s over. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m afraid. I can not live without him.
But you can’t have a life, no matter how much you love it.