S107. If I avoid these encounters and this process, then I will deny the depths of myself!


During a course I came across him, a sensation that I did not know, sitting next to a ‘strange’ man and thinking: ‘just sitting next to you is your purest unfaithfulness’ and an energy that cannot be restrained that burst into me. Later I thought: there is no ‘cleaner’, so how can it be unfaithful … Literally, little has happened between us, perhaps well, because it had definitely made it harder for our existing relationships. Incidentally, from the beginning I had the feeling that my current marriage was not meant to be broken, it did not feel like we would continue together in this specific life. He did feel it in those days, but the brick by nature of that huge connection fell almost a year later. He found the words for it because apparently he was already familiar with the phenomenon of soul connection, when I had let him know what I had experienced in that year.

For my husband it struck like a bomb, very confronting and threatening, because although I said in words that I did not want to enter into a relationship, the energy said a lot differently. My husband later said that I was completely unaccountable in that period, and now that I look back, it must have been. It was the beginning of an energetic process in me that I could only let it come over me in the first year(doing yoga, meditating, seeking guidance) and hoping that I came out ‘alive’. It has been a bit longer now, but I still have the feeling that I am connecting much more strongly with that ‘other person’ than with my husband in this life. He once said that everything that had settled down: “You just have two heroes, one in matter and one in spirit.” Sweet hey. I also don’t have the idea, as I said, that I wanted to risk my marriage (but if it had been my fault, it would have happened, there were other forces that saved me from it). I have the feeling that I can only really connect with my husband again if I grow ‘above duality’, perhaps then the desire and the attachment to the ‘other’ transform into non-individual Love, at least that is my hypothesis !

From the beginning a huge outburst of sexual energy, and right from the moment I walked away from that weekend: cry, cry, cry. I first tried to transform it into meditation, I thought, then I will remember your face, but when that meditation apparently worked very well and his face ‘dissolved’, I was shocked, that was not the intention.
A few meetings a few months later, and then very suddenly a farewell that I didn’t want and which I only later realized was a farewell, he apparently knew that. Then the transformation became really bad, never knowing that there was so much fear and panic and sadness.At first I didn’t do enough constructive with it, but in the first two months it was clearly physically worse. Then I started with light yoga exercises, meditation, reading, being outside, looking for guidance to deal with all that intense energy. This made it more bearable and it went well again physically. I was able to go through deep valleys without it becoming physically worse.
Apparently in those months I have succeeded in transforming all that sexual energy and releasing that fear, I don’t want to tell everything but at one point it resulted in an hour of Divine Silence, infinitely quiet and infinitely long, never felt so much creative power, and I knew: my life mission is only about Love and about Helen.
In the meantime, I also had sparse dreams about him who indicated to me that it was not the intention to enter into a relationship outside of myself, in fact what happened between us was a reflection in the outside world of what was happening in me in the meantime . “Marriage energy” and “formless is the highest.”

Many special experiences in that period, strange natural phenomena in the week that it all came to an end: rings around the sun, double rainbows, and something like that: I walked to a church to attend a Passion concert, suddenly bursts a HUGE rain-lightning-thunderstorm at three minutes to three. At three o’clock it stopped and the sun broke through the windows of the church. We had just emailed that week about thunder and lightning …

You may wonder what eroticism is, physically it may not have been there, but I sometimes think: it was much worse, moments of energetically dissolving into each other without touching each other, what is touching?
I feel that this was the highest thing that can happen in the duality between a man and a woman
. have the feeling that I have experienced the highest and that that cannot be experienced with / with someone else. It is therefore not easy for me to really get back into my own existing relationship, but I do, my husband did not come up with all of this, in fact he had to take a lot more than I had. Incidentally, I have, strangely enough, no guilt about all the feelings I have outside of my marriage. There was always such a strong feeling: if I avoid these encounters and this process, I will deny the deepestness in myself!

It was just a few encounters, so suddenly when we meet, so suddenly I have the feeling of being ‘torn off’ again.
Because there were so few words on his part, it remains largely a mystery to me what he felt and experienced and what he now thinks. It is clear to me that it was just as intense for him. I feel like I am through the worst, but there are flurries in which the grief returns in all its intensity, for example while I am typing this story. The only solution seems to me: transform, transform, transform.
I have the feeling that I will meet him someday, but also that it will take a long time.
In any case, these encounters are the most impressive and drastic that I have ever experienced, I cannot imagine ever loving a person more than they love him … until I may ever be able to love everything and everyone the same, then it is transcending ‘problem’ …
An enormous transformation process started in me, letting go of a lot of old ballast and knowing what my life is all about, Love, Helen. And the further
 : Calmly finish the work that lies there, and change course, once struck me.
I’m working on that now. The period that it was the hardest, with dreams, expansion of consciousness, insights, is just ‘over’ happy, because it cannot be sustained that intensively for much longer. I feel that these encounters and everything that emerged from them remain a guideline (or the main guideline) for the rest of this life.

I have had a great deal of support from people, it seemed as if they were falling from the sky, the friendships that I have are deeper now, colleagues say that I have changed and have a more powerful appearance, there is more abundance coming into our lives … my work changes course. Among other things on this site and all experience stories and the questions / answers I have had a lot , that’s why after long hesitation I entrust a piece of my story to this site