S096. I fight to become who I was again


I first met him at my then friend’s house. We sat outside with some friends and he was there too. I did not realize at that time that we might already know each other. But it clicked right away, I thought it was exciting and super familiar. And that evening he had put his mobile number in my cell phone. I do not know if he saw anything of recognition in me that remains unclear to this day.
We sometimes went out with that group of my then friend and he regularly came along and I started to like him more and more. It went out with the then boyfriend. And I came across HIM again in the pub and then we got some kind of relationship, but more on a spiritual level I think. When I saw him he laughed and thenhis eyes it is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life. Few words were needed for my feeling. I was at home. But his eyes were so blue that I stood with nodding knees. Later I noticed that he started sending dreams to me and that I could pick up his thoughts even though he denied that. When I wanted to come by at nine o’clock in the evening, he thought that he was still cooking dinner, and that was true, and there were regular things like that. More and more I got the feeling that we were old acquaintances. And more and more I felt a kind of love that I had never experienced so intensely.

I don’t know exactly where it went wrong. My feeling went deeper than his, it turned out later. I think we saw each other’s blockades and couldn’t handle them . He has always denied that there was such a thing as I experienced, but still … He must have felt it was too intense. And one day he said it was not our time yet and wanted to stop what we ‘had together’

Now we have not seen each other for 5 years. He got married last year. And I have a very beautiful daughter with my current boyfriend. But I miss him enormously all the time. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. And maybe it’s better this way. But when you no longer have each other you only know what you are missing and that is a lot. And sometimes missing just hurts and I can cry a bit so I love to see him.

I think it’s a great gift if you can meet. And it’s great that you share unconditional love together. And through that ‘relationship’ I try to get the most out of myself and grow. I fight to become who I was again and that is tough but I want to overcome this and come out stronger and with more self-confidence. And I think he wanted to make that clear to me . I hope I have been able to release something with him.

His eyes were the most beautiful; I could see everything the pain the joy the sorrow. And loving it that way is also very special. Nobody takes that away from you anymore.

And that was the weird thing I couldn’t give myself sexually. The power of his body, I was and am so impressed. If I was lying against him then I was as proud as a peacock that I lay in one bed with him. And precisely at those moments I felt everything and I wanted to give everything I had. But I couldn’t give me sexually, and God knows how much I wanted it, but something blocked. And if we kissed, I could drown in it, but further … If it had worked out, it would probably have been the best thing that could happen to you, I still believe in it, but it shouldn’t be. maybe it has to do with a past life? that I could not give myself.He sometimes asked if I was afraid of him and then I said no but now I know it was. Because he came too close and didn’t want to lose myself again . Because imagine what could happen if I gave myself, I really gave everything I had, I gave my soul.

I am overjoyed to have met him and to show me the good things. Sometimes I still go to him in thought to give advice but also to give a little love. And that helps a bit, but at the same time the feeling that I miss him so much is very strong.

To others I want to say follow your feelings and trust yourself even if you think that love is one-sided. If your feeling says that there is more to your love than trust your intuition.