S079. When we looked at each other, we looked much further than in the eyes


18 years ago I was finalizing my 10-year marriage and was standing in a store where a man came in at one point. I looked around and we looked at each other, it was as if I was struck right in my heart , it was mutual, from that moment on my whole life changed, the love I felt was so intense. I asked my girlfriend to keep an eye on me because I absolutely did not know what had happened to me, I thought I was spacing out of this world. Euphoric, mind-expanding really very special. The first touch was his hand, I went right through it, when we looked at each other we looked much further than in the eyes. I could not describe it.Anyway, he loved women and still had a lot to find out, we continued to meet each other and I even moved in with him, I found out that he had a girlfriend he had a relationship with and he often went to went, I often sat alone, but let it all happen. What ‘normal’ I could never have done. I have experienced a lot in that time.

At one point I got my own house and we kept meeting each other, until I left for Bali and met my current husband there, that was in 1992, I then went abroad with my son, have had no contact for a number of years had more but I got up with it and went to bed with it, he was always there, in my head it was always what would … think about it?7 years ago I came back to the Netherlands and since then we have been together regularly, he is still with his girlfriend and I am still married. I find it increasingly difficult because our feeling only gets stronger and I would prefer to be with him every day. My husband lives abroad and I always had to go back to the Netherlands, there was always something that made me come back … Now 14 years later I am back in the same place where I left from. I recently expressed to my ‘Love’ that I no longer want to continue in such a way that I feel that the love we feel is meant differently. We both depend on our partners, financially for the most part. We are no longer the youngest and we are worried (financially) for the future. Now our bed is spread out.
I told my ‘Lief’ that I want to share a life with him and since then it has been quiet on the other side. When I ask him what he has with his girlfriend, he says, they don’t really have much but he can go his own way. I feel his fear because that is mine too , so our lives run parallel and we both have to redeem our karma. It just becomes increasingly clear to me that I am also blocking my husband’s life. I maintain something that is not there and that breaks me up, the unfairness. But I’m afraid I’ll be alone. Not that I cannot be alone, because I can get along very well with myself but I want to “share” my life, I also think that my “love” and I can mean a lot to the “community”.