I am a twenty-seven-year-old young man who, after a four-month relationship, put an end to it himself and regrets it immensely. It was, by the way, my very first relationship and I am very fond of it. Incidentally, I also lost my work in the same week and consequently my colleagues / friends and plan to live alone.
“I don’t want to break up, but it has to be” included the words I said when I broke up. But actually I wanted to say something else: “I need more time, I am not yet in love with you, let us set limits and take it easy”. It is quite a long story, but I hope you read it. I hope to get your support to continue with my life and maybe get to know people who have experienced the same situation, because I need understanding to be able to place everything. Because I think I am the only one who ‘lost’ myself and made such wrong decisions in every area.
Last year, early November, I started working at the Royal Library of Brussels on a 3-month project. I had already had two positive work experiences and this opportunity served him. In addition, I was busy with two more training courses and lived quite ‘stressed’ (also due to the long train journeys Roeselare-Brussels). But everything went well and I enjoyed the many social contacts. Moreover, I studied to become easier to get into fun and well-paid work and to develop a successful future of my own. For the first time in my life I had a goal and I was ready to leave my difficult past behind (without wanting to flee from it). I had a great time at work in Brussels and had very nice colleagues. For the first time I had the feeling that I was really alive and was looking positively towards the future. I worked in Brussels and went to live in Ghent, ama, such an achievement, I never thought that. Me with so many problems and from such a narrow minded! n environment suddenly discovered myself in the ‘big world’, it was beautiful. I had arrived at my destination. I had fought more than anyone else and I finally had my reward. Moreover, I had never worked with so many like-minded people. We (Evy, Tobias, Vincent, Marlies, Peter and Dominique) were the ‘Gang of Brussels’ and I soon considered them a bit like my ‘second family’. I was attached to them so quickly. I had never felt that. We were all at the start of our career, with the same background, interests, dreams and goals. By the way, I had planned to live in Ghent if I could switch to the next (longer-term) project (which was very real). In short, after many hopeless crushes (in my puberty and college years) and sometimes difficult moments (hyperventilation has been a common thread throughout my life since I was bullied from my 15th to 18th), I saw the future very bright! leisurely and I made plenty of plans for the future. Because I had no complaints for a year and had worked on myself and received positive evaluations of previous works. It had given me a lot of confidence and maturity. I certainly didn’t feel untouchable, but it went well and I had a very good feeling. I was ready to grow up and live alone, a new step in my life. But then it happened … as if out of ‘nothing’ (later I realized that I was already a bit close to a ‘burnout’ due to the many sacrifices, annoyances, unprocessed trauma and the enormously high and intense rhythm in which I lived, my psychotherapist states that I am gifted and highly sensitive) I had a very severe hyperventilation attack (later the psychiatrist would call it a panic or anxiety attack; it was the second in my life, the first was 2 years before traveling in Corsica with my parents) on the train . My world collapsed, I had so much fear (I thought I would die on the train) and was so upset that I had lost myself since that day. I have made repeated attempts to return to work because I was so happy and afraid of losing it. In a panic reaction I adjusted my medication dose (which I had to take for my hyperv and hypersensitivity) on the advice of the doctor. (I actually had to ‘raise’ them) Because I already did! was ‘fighting’ to reduce my medication dose, I built a pill with which I had been ‘stable’ for 8 years on my own in panic. (concretely: I had been taking half a 20 mg Seroxat and half a 50 mg Serlain for years and had to increase the Serlain to 1 from the doctor, so I decided to reduce the Seroxat by 1/8 on my own because I didn’t want to that my medication dose suddenly increased again after years of ‘saving’. But I reacted very badly, so I lost weight. I got a lot of side effects, but despite that, I went to work. But I was so inwardly stressed that I could barely eat anymore and I had to abstain from ‘withdrawal’. It was indeed the most wrong moment to phase out medication, but my stubbornness, pride and panic made me make that wrong decision. In a few weeks I lost around 8 kg. My immunity was also affected and on top of that I got a very heavy flu and an angine. Then mo! I finally stop working. And then she came … She was a 23-year-old colleague at work that I found pleasant, but no more than that, but she already had a bean for me from day one. (she had already had two short ‘relationships’ and had been ‘dumped’ twice, so she had become rather chilly, cool and closed and insecure – moreover she had been bullied in high school -, yet I felt attracted to her because I could look ‘deeper’ and felt that she was a very sweet girl) I was on ‘sick leave’ and we started chatting a lot and gradually a friendship and a ‘bond’ grew “. We were able to talk very well and sometimes sat on the chat until night. She gave me support and comfort and made me happy and through her I maintained a bond with my friends / colleagues in Brussels. When I happened to meet them in the library school where I came to take my final exam, she saw me and wanted to fly me around spontaneously (but she stopped herself) This was for me! the beginning of my feelings. That meeting had really impressed me and shook something up in me. I was certainly not in love immediately but I wanted to get to know them better. There was something that attracted me … That day we agreed to meet in Ghent, but my hyperventilation was still troubling me and I was inhibited and did not feel good (afraid) in my skin. Yet I started (although I was not ready for it, neither in terms of feelings nor in terms of “feeling good about myself”) a relationship. She was mad at me, I wasn’t that far yet, but I didn’t want to lose them either. After two weeks I wanted to tell her this and I was already thinking about ‘delaying questions’ (I actually felt bad, unhappy and’ broken ‘by everything I had already experienced, I was the’ flow ‘or the’ vibrations “I had lost before the attack, I had almost completely lost my bond with myself and the world because of that attack, suddenly my dream of the future had completely burst.) She reacted whole! startled, anxious and a bit hysterical and I decided not to mention it and we decided to continue. Since then she lived with the fear that I would break up every weekend (she said after our breakup) and I didn’t dare say anything anymore and completely fell into the relationship. In the meantime, I was out of work and I should have stopped training (I had just finished another). Already a few months sick and unemployed at home and the loss of many social contacts had taken away the aforementioned ‘vibrations’ and ‘flow’. In my panic and confusion, I had also not taken on a temporary (later it turned out to be a full-time) position at the tourist office of Damme (where I had worked last year) (while I was not employed !!!). In consultation with Evy (who feared that I would have to work many weekends and who preferred me to take on a more decent position) and because I feared that I would no longer be able to resume my library study, we were actually together to make this (in retrospect) stupid decision come. Drawing! for my confusion, I was completely absorbed by Evy’s support and idea and that I made that decision with a great deal of fear and with many crying spells. As part of that discontinued library study (which I might resume; the lessons were in Antwerp and I didn’t see the train that far yet) and to do something during the day, I started an internship in the Moorslede library (I actually did the internship at the KBR but my problems decided differently). I successfully worked out the Image Bank project there. But I also spent a lot of time alone working and eating and so worrying about my problems and relationship so that I definitely didn’t lose my hyperventilation. I was also particularly disappointed that Tobias and Evy were allowed to start on the new project (a month after the old one I was on). If I had not had that attack (and my mail had arrived, a very strange story …) I would certainly have di! he acquired the position and I started with Evy in Brussels (and she never really came into contact with Gerd so intimately …). Although I awarded Tobias (by the way, he was a best friend and soulmate), I felt that I was much more entitled to that position because I had a History Master and a library initiation degree and because I was working on a GAS Documentation and Library Science and Tobias was ‘only’ working on a Graduate Course in Library.) All those problems gnawed at my self-confidence and made me not really ‘happy’ and had a lot of time to worry. During the relationship I feared that I would break up sooner or later and I did not function well sexually. Here, too, I fully qualified for her (I used to do a lot of sport, but because of my weight and condition loss and also because I figured it out for her, I almost didn’t have this outlet anymore – she sometimes went jogging with me and she went to watch the ‘course’ with me, two passions of mine which she made her own, chic anyway!) But I did! if everything was okay (at the expense of myself). I did everything she wanted (because I really liked them and because she did almost everything I wanted, we really were a perfect team in that area who felt each other very well!) And counted me completely away until I started having a headache and even migraine and no longer functioned sexually. Almost constantly I had a headache when I was with her and when she was gone. I then decided in a panic decision, but I was devastated by it, like her. Despite everything we had our good moments and we felt very well together. She was super sweet and worried and took great care of me and really did everything to help me get rid of that fear of the hyperv. She was like an angel and I frustrated myself that I didn’t fall in love with her. But I too (despite my probs) was there for her and could catch her and put her up. It wasn’t that she had to ‘carry’ me completely. I could also wear her when it was needed! ! We just complemented each other perfectly! Immediately after our relationship, we agreed and called and actually did everything if we were to do the relationship. But for my part, everything was more natural and spontaneous because we were not ‘on each other’s lips’ for whole days and I could also lead my own life a little more. I felt very good in that ‘rhythm’ and was more at ease but didn’t dare ask her for a second chance because I was still ‘confused’ and afraid to hurt her a second time. I wanted to be 100 percent sure and she had assured me when I broke up that she would not be able to start a relationship. I took this ‘literally’ and was somewhere at ease. At one point she said she was in love with another guy (Gerd, someone from her job who was still in a bad relationship of five years – she had literally said when I broke up: “I thought I was on Gerd was in love, but if I now feel how much pain I have, I know it’s not true ”) and yet she’s a ma! and later started with him. Gerd made it immediately (after having traveled with her and lived with her for three weeks because his girlfriend’s parents were traveling and then ‘ba! M’!) Done with his girlfriend and my ex and Gerd now 2 months together and are already going to live together, so fast !!! I have remained ‘stunned’ and I am increasingly bothered by panic attacks and enormous love sorrow and now I am just starting to feel my real feelings for her (because I am now just in my fold). And I would love to get a second chance and I am almost certain that it would work, but I am left desperate and hopeless. From one moment to the next she broke our contact and friendship (what she wanted to work according to her farewell letter and she even wanted to try a relationship again) because I was a ‘danger’ to her new relationship according to her new friend. What i can understand. But suddenly I have lost everything: my mutual friends / colleagues, my chance to work there, my girlfriend, … and I am still without work. After roaming around with my car for a month and living alternately at home with my cousin and her husband for a few weeks (where I first noticed that having my own house and away from home makes me completely different) I have another month (September) worked in the apple harvest and then Tobias came again, but I was not very happy afterwards. It was not quite the same anymore and all memories came to the surface. I decided (to protect myself) not to visit them anymore. Completely broken and confused from what I had done, I gave up in November. I didn’t get out of bed anymore, I didn’t apply anymore, I left everything hanging around and I made life at home almost impossible due to my panic and anger attacks. When it really didn’t work anymore, I was admitted to the hospital in the psychiatric ward. In the meantime I also had a new psychiatrist and I went to see a psychotherapist every week. Taking more and new medication (which I feared horribly) in the hospital was the total humiliation for me. The only thing I had there was to get up and structure. After being admitted for a month, I let myself be fired ‘because I was better’, but nothing was less true. The holidays were coming and they were hell to endure. Now suddenly someone else was partying with my love and my friends, I couldn’t understand. I was fed up at home and wanted to live alone, suddenly was still at home and still had to go party with mom and dad. Even a quiz in the hospital and a Sinterklaas party were not denied me. After the holidays I fell into a black hole again and did not do what I had promised myself and the staff, namely looking for volunteer work or interim work. I was still broken and ending and didn’t see the point in it. I began to ‘survive’ aimlessly and occasionally make a trip with my brother from which I also did nothing. On den! expensive I hardly dared to leave my house and I felt that I had no contacts (nor friendly, not relational or professional). I knew what I was doing was bad and not conducive, but I did it anyway. Completely disillusioned, frustrated, disappointed, humiliated and with a huge guilt and regret on my shoulders, I began to die quietly at home. My brother, who has not been a member of society for four years, also fared worse and worse until it escalates enormously here at home almost every week because my parents (especially my mum) are particularly frustrated and unhappy. I fear a suicide of myself or a family drama at any moment. On top of that, I have to go to the VDAB this week with a gang of unemployed people / randdebielen to learn how to apply to get back into work. This is the utmost humiliation. But in such a short time I have hurt and humiliated myself so much that I am beaten and respond to nothing. I also do not want and cannot move forward, but I do not want to die either. I’m co! completely trapped in myself and in this house. I no longer have self-esteem and have completely lost myself. I have not been alive for a year and have been standing outside society for a while. I also do not know how I can ever forget and post the events because I have encouraged them all myself. How am I supposed to live on if I have thrown away an entire life. I can no longer live in Rumbeke and no longer in Ghent. Moreover, the complex situation is made even more complex by my mother’s pension, my brother’s problems, my father’s brain damage and my own anxiety disorder, giftedness, and high sensitivity. I now fully realize that I made very important decisions when I was completely upset, confused and ‘sick’ and there is no way back. But my feeling cannot cope with this and also my whole mind cannot grasp this. However, there were some people who had warned me about those decisions and advised me to be! postpone decision or take another. But I have never listened or acted in that way and I am now devastated. I still don’t understand what I did and how she was able to leave with someone else so quickly. Is she fleeing from grief in that relationship or was she after him for a long time, why did she say that I was the man of her life, why did she do so much for me, why did she go out with me until two weeks before she made it with him and wanted hugs and sex and …) I know I hurt her enormously and enormously by finishing it and by giving confusing information about a second chance, but I wasn’t ready for it yet and I lost myself so I couldn’t say what I thought at all. I am so distraught and sometimes afraid of doing very bad things. And the better I begin to feel, the bigger the ‘knock’ is, and the more I hang out with friends or do things to scatter me, the more I miss her. I broke up not because I didn’t like them, but because everything went too fast and I didn’t feel well. But what is possible! I still use it now ???? She said she would not see or hear me for a long time and that she could not and would not reverse her feelings. I also have everything against me: I could not be myself in relationship so she thinks I am always like that, on our only journey I had a new attack that made the journey “fall into the water” with her new boyfriend she went to Rome ‘carefree’, I now use medication, have no work,… all things that her new boyfriend doesn’t have. And she had always said that she would never decide, no matter how many probs I had or how bad things sometimes went in our relationship (not in quarrels, not at all, but I who did not feel like things or could not live it out faster or faster) was tired and had a bad home situation where she felt uncomfortable). All my dreams have suddenly collapsed and I am home without work, a home where there are many probs and then I think that a lot has been solved with her. I knew that living alone was a solution for me, and living together with her might be the ‘ultimate’ (because she could take care of me so well and her parents were so good with me and I had so much more to them than my own parents and … and …). But now I no longer dare to live alone (and certainly not in Ghent where she is going to live with her boyfriend). I have lost all my balance and direction and I am terribly tired of it. I am by nature very sensitive and have experienced some terrible things in my life and when for the first time someone comes along who really wants to see me and wants to live with me and share her life, I reject that and a recovery is no longer a problem order. How should I forgive myself? How should I continue? How can I enter into another relationship? It is really a traumatic experience for me! . That’s why I’m thinking of going to a psychiatrist, but most of the time I think, damn, damn, maybe living with her was my “ultimate” cure. And I know that your happiness and health should not be in the hands of others, but still, she was such a support, such a strength, so sweet, so caring, so tender, so practical, so understanding, so exceptionally helpful , …. It feels like the most immoral thing I’ve done. Above all, I cannot understand (I cannot accept or understand) that I broke up and that everything has changed so quickly for her. I really can’t take it anymore. I often lead the life in my head that I could have lived with her and I am so ‘jealous’ of that Gerd that I almost gave him everything on a silver platter. He has ‘replaced’ me at all levels and very quickly (in terms of friends / colleagues, living with Evy, he is now part of ‘Bende van Brussel’, …) It is heartbreaking. I am a very hard and tough go-getter, but now my feather seems totally broken. For this ‘incident’ I was happily alone and I would live alone. I knew nothing but being alone and was not looking ‘hopelessly’ (she would come along, I reasoned, as happened …) But now it seems like I can’t cope with a relationship, I can’t be alone anymore and I am no longer good at home feel. I am right! I am nowhere good and at home anymore and feel enormously rushed by my feelings and thoughts.
I am convinced that she was my soul love and some former colleagues my soulmates or people from my soul group. I have always felt very clearly that I belonged to that ‘gang’, that I came home, felt safe, happy, understood and secure (when I was forced to stay at home due to hyperventilation, I implored a colleague that they would not abandon me and they did not do that either, I just let myself down at the time), but never realized that they were soul people because I didn’t know anything about it. Because I was not really sexually attracted to Evy (apparently a characteristic of soul love, I knew a lot) I thought I wasn’t really in love either. Another feature now appears to be that our lives have also run almost parallel to our encounter (both a good home and upbringing, both university studies, both bullied in the past, both not yet in a relationship, both virgins, both taking a course in libraries! ekschool, both first job at KBR, both with some ‘outcasts’ in life, both highly sensitive, both oldest in family, always thinking of each other or texting at the same time during a relationship, we both wanted to live in Ghent, …) hyperventilation and difficulties I could not allow all feelings because there were so many blockages of my own and I broke up. Perhaps out of enormous panic and because I had ‘betrayed’ and hurt her soul (my soul), she immediately threw herself into another boy. It cannot be otherwise. I had ‘beheaded’ our soul love and destroyed it and it arrived right in her soul, just like mine a little later. I think said has always felt, before and during the relationship that I was her soul love, but never knew (she was not concerned with spirituality, rather rational) and I could never fully feel it, but now I know and feel it all the more now that I ‘on my fold ‘and am alone. This must ! be the cause of her very drastic ‘decision’. But afterwards I know, and meanwhile we are already a year later, that she is my soul love. Although I make many attempts to continue my life as many people say, my feeling for her is still very strong, even stronger than during the relationship and shortly afterwards. Another very clear point is that I have been very confused in life since then and I feel no longer at home anywhere and always feel that I have gone beyond my “goal” and strayed from my soul’s path. Since then I also feel hyper-minded and misunderstood. She was the only one who understood me and often made an effort to understand me, which is not easy. This feeling is so strong that I often cannot live with it. Other girls don’t attract me at all anymore and I can’t create a bond with other people either. It is really as if my soul is still with her, but at the same time very confused because my body and mind are not with her in reality. It feels so unnatural, absurd, unjust and! unbearable to! What should I do???? We are now a year later and I tried to visit her a few times and sent her a text on her birthday, nothing more because I am afraid of her reaction, respect her too much and often lack the courage and wit to tell her everything I want to say so that I might touch her soul. Should I ‘give up’ her and continue with my life, should I try to make that clear to her, but also try to continue with another life, or do I have to fight for her until she ‘sees’ it?
You know you should think that way. The best students have the toughest lessons. Then you must be very special. Love from someone who has already experienced everything necessary (unknown).
It is not nothing you have experienced. It has been a tough test for you to get your lessons from. Accept the risk of making the wrong choices, accept the future. You will have to dig deep into yourself why you have experienced this difficult experience. The answers are in you. Be honest with yourself. Get out of your victim role and start a new start with yourself. Take responsibility into your own hands. Ask yourself why you experienced this step by step in the right direction. Keep confidence in yourself that you will come out. Stay positive and listen carefully to your inner voice. Leave the past for what it is. It is a difficult task but not feasible. (Unknown)
Try not to linger too much in the past and look ahead. Try to cherish what you do have and not to fix on what you “could have”. The Now is all there really is. Nothing happens for nothing seems to me. The Harmony in yourself can start to grow by gaining confidence in your own way, only you can do that. You really don’t need anyone for that. You indicate that you were not yet ready for a relationship. Give yourself space and time to find yourself and create space, then the way is open for every relationship. Try to see what YOU need to feel better. You may be able to regulate your thoughts through eg meditation or training through neurofeedback. A twinflame relationship seems to me intended to mirror your own learning process. You recognize yourself in the other and feel unconditional love that is in yourself and reflects in the other. It is not about the other person, but about yourself! Cherish the beautiful moments! your relationship, the loss consumes you and only produces negative energy. Try to find happiness in yourself in a way that you can determine alone. I believe in cause and effect. I have immersed myself in the phenomena of “synchronicity”. Maybe it helps you too. Your giftedness and high sensitivity can cause lows but also great highlights. Try to achieve a balance. The intensity of feelings can digest you but can also make you intensely happy. You are smart, you can use that! That is a great thing! I wish you a lot of strength in your process! (Unknown) It is not about the other person, but about yourself! Cherish the beautiful moments! your relationship, the loss consumes you and only produces negative energy. Try to find happiness in yourself in a way that you can determine alone. I believe in cause and effect. I have immersed myself in the phenomena of “synchronicity”. Maybe it helps you too. Your giftedness and high sensitivity can cause lows but also great highlights. Try to achieve a balance. The intensity of feelings can digest you but can also make you intensely happy. You are smart, you can use that! That is a great thing! I wish you a lot of strength in your process! (Unknown) It is not about the other person, but about yourself! Cherish the beautiful moments! your relationship, the loss consumes you and only produces negative energy. Try to find happiness in yourself in a way that you can determine alone. I believe in cause and effect. I have immersed myself in the phenomena of “synchronicity”. Maybe it helps you too. Your giftedness and high sensitivity can cause lows but also great highlights. Try to achieve a balance. The intensity of feelings can digest you but can also make you intensely happy. You are smart, you can use that! That is a great thing! I wish you a lot of strength in your process! (Unknown) Try to find happiness in yourself in a way that you can determine alone. I believe in cause and effect. I have immersed myself in the phenomena of “synchronicity”. Maybe it helps you too. Your giftedness and high sensitivity can cause lows but also great highlights. Try to achieve a balance. The intensity of feelings can digest you but can also make you intensely happy. You are smart, you can use that! That is a great thing! I wish you a lot of strength in your process! (Unknown) Try to find happiness in yourself in a way that you can determine alone. I believe in cause and effect. I have immersed myself in the phenomena of “synchronicity”. Maybe it helps you too. Your giftedness and high sensitivity can cause lows but also great highlights. Try to achieve a balance. The intensity of feelings can digest you but can also make you intensely happy. You are smart, you can use that! That is a great thing! I wish you a lot of strength in your process! (Unknown) The intensity of feelings can digest you but can also make you intensely happy. You are smart, you can use that! That is a great thing! I wish you a lot of strength in your process! (Unknown) The intensity of feelings can digest you but can also make you intensely happy. You are smart, you can use that! That is a great thing! I wish you a lot of strength in your process! (Unknown)