S153. I had overcome so much. Fears, difficulties and I no longer lied


Impossible love is the true love
Of a woman who was forced to say goodbye

We met in December. Although on the internet. We could chat, we understood each other. Both relationship problems and we found a lot of recognition. After the MSN, we also started emailing.

Cozy emails with soon a deeper message, did we fall in love? My relationship went out in January. I wanted to meet you. I drove nervously to our appointed place. I got out and there you came. It felt like I knew you so well, but it was also awkward. After a walk and a lot of talking our first kiss came. With resistance and a double feeling with me because you were still married.

With jitters in my stomach, I drove home at the end of the afternoon. Calling. You said you wanted to turn around like that. My broken relationship still got a chance. But I couldn’t forget you. We kept calling and texting and I just couldn’t stop you. In March we agreed on an apartment. A wonderful evening and night spent together.

What had I done, I had cheated on him and still with a married man!
But it was also so nice and familiar. The way I lay in your arms that night with my head on your chest, that felt so special. My relationship has ended and I found comfort in you. I was already deeply in love with you.

For a long time I struggled with all the difficulties. The fact that you are a lot older, still married and have children. In a long letter full of love and sorrow I broke up with you. We were both torn apart. Tears flowed, fear grabbed our throats; our hearts were broken.

And we didn’t last long either. We called and texted and on a beautiful sunny day we went to the beach together. I went there with the intention not to make love to you. But what do you do about the enormous attraction that exists? The incredible feeling that I loved you so much. I tacked. We went on. I didn’t want to lose you and you didn’t want me. You told me I didn’t know anything important. You were even older if you told me.

I was shocked. I just got used to the fact that you were older and a few years later. I could not process this. It just couldn’t be. And you told me that at home you were unhappy but not unhappy enough to leave. Did I still want to be in the fifth wheel? Was I no longer worth it? Again distance, again tears were the result of a new break.

Could we only be minar and mistress? Without deep feelings?

We tried, but it didn’t work. I loved you too much. You went on vacation. I had a date with a nice young man. It clicked and our first date was followed up. You didn’t like it but you did accept it. For me it was a distraction, an attempt to break free from you. This lasted about 5 weeks. I was kidding myself and everyone else. Why did I talk about him, did I lie in bed with him while my heart was with you? I quit him, while on the same day I decided to give up on you and give him a fair chance. But something told me that I did it wrong and had to turn it around. I texted him and asked you not to return my keys.

You didn’t want to lose me. While all this happened, little happened at your home. In the meantime you told more and more about your marriage in which you are not happy and the things you have been missing for years. You have not spoken a bad word about her, because she is a sweet woman and a good mother. Only there is no more life in your relationship, you no longer loved the way you started to love me.

I had shown you that you could become happy. You started thinking about your own place, about divorcing her. Not for me, but for yourself. To become happy for yourself but not divorce because of me. I was so far that I accepted everything.

I never noticed our age difference when we were together. We had talked well about the future and I thought a lot. You also wanted children with me. Your children could find the best with me. Everything had to be quiet and in a good way. You started working on your own place. Get out of the house. Think and be on your own. I already told my environment about you. My friends were happy for me and saw me shine. They were convinced that if we were so crazy about each other, we had to go for it.

When my parents got wind of it the great sadness started. They couldn’t accept it. What did their daughter do? She had a relationship with a married man and destroyed so many lives!

I did not understand that your marriage had not been good for years and I was just a symptom that made you want a divorce and not the cause. And you were bad. You were too old, still married, a profiteer and an egoist. I threw myself into the abyss and you would definitely not make me happy. When other people started to get involved with it and started to work together with my family, we were cornered. I should choose between you and my family. You would lose everything. How did we have to go through this?

Why didn’t anyone understand how much we loved each other? They wanted to drive us apart. And that we were sad and broke didn’t matter. I tried so hard to convince them that I loved you so much and really wanted to be happy with you. I asked them for a chance, nothing more. Even that turned out to be too much. We cried and talked together so much and could not be happy without worry. The real enjoyment was gone.

Always worry, what if this and what if that …? Feelings of guilt started to play.
After a tough evening when I was overwhelmed by a story with new, nasty information, I left a message on your voicemail that you only had to save at home what could be saved. I would go, let go of you even though I loved you dearly.

Ten minutes later you were crying on my voicemail with the message that you loved me. Enough to let me go if I couldn’t take it anymore. The night was terrible and the morning even worse. I couldn’t stop crying. Was this it then? Fought like this and lost after all? I collapsed naked on the cold shower floor.

I spent an hour with you on the phone. You told me we didn’t have to decide NOW. We had to rest and think. The emotions and pressure from outside meant that we could not think clearly and therefore did not make well-considered decisions. This also seemed like a good idea. I dragged myself up under a hot shower and then went to work. I haven’t thought of anything else all day. And you told everything at home. That you had met me, what we had, what you felt for me.

She was sad, but she understood. She also knew where it had gone wrong and did not condemn me. She has seen your grief for me and she saw you further and further away. You went to sleep in the guest room and all contact was still business and practical. Because of my emotional voicemail you told me to try it with her. She put her hope in it and did everything for it.

That same week you reversed that promise because you too have called things while being swept back and forth by emotions and fear. It dawned on her. You could say goodbye to me if you wanted, but you didn’t. You didn’t want to lose me.
We were back by now. I had already returned so much. I waited for your calls again if you could call, we no longer slept together, we no longer came together in public because people were watching us. I felt the mistress again who was not at number 1.

We lived inside and each time had a few hours and no more days. I had overcome so much. Fears, difficulties and I no longer lied. Everything was open and honest and everyone knew about it. And now? Everyone was against us. What did we have to do? I wrote a letter to my parents. A sweet sincere and respectful letter. Not going into the situation but more about making your own choices and the right to make mistakes.


Meanwhile, the conspiracy continued.

People kept burning each other up and lies were told about you. But I loved you so much. Then just bite on and accept the consequences, even if they were accompanied by a lot of pain and sorrow. We saw a future together and had so many dreams that we wanted to achieve. Just before my vacation it escalated at your home. You were forced to make a choice: hopping up or breaking up with me.
You went and at that moment you really chose 200 percent for me. I was happy, happy but also scared. What would come next?

You slept with me for four nights. She sent you text messages. She was angry and your chances were lost. You were relieved because if she continued to fight for you, it didn’t get any easier for you. I went on vacation. It was a bit of our deadline. After the holidays we would do everything publicly and fight the rest and show them that we wanted to continue together. That we were really happy together. But it went differently.

Halfway through my vacation you texted that the gossip circuit was back on track. They didn’t let anything go with you this time. According to them you were selfish on every level and unimportant things were brought in. I was so worried. I was never alone, wanted to cry but couldn’t. I didn’t want to go home anymore! I missed you very much and thought of you every second, but was so scared of the troubles that would await me at home. And I was so angry and sad: they weren’t allowed to treat you like that!
The day after my return home I saw you in the evening. We both already had a bad feeling. We were happy but not as usual. And the inevitable conversation about all the situations during my vacation came. You had such a tough week. Everything about you, having to do it all by yourself. You also felt selfish because of everything that was said. But what about me? Did what I wanted count? I loved you too, didn’t they understand that I want to be with you and that is what makes me happy?

My father said such nasty things about not being together for Christmas, never accepting you. That hurt me so much and you couldn’t handle this either. We decided after a long sleepless night, endless tears and lots of talking to end it. Release each other out of love. No doubt to each other and to our love because our impossible love was true love!

Lots of hugs, making love again, looking into your eyes, crying together.
You went out the door, took your things. Crying, you said you loved me. I collapsed. Shivering with cold and fear in front of the window, watching you. We gestured that we love each other. I crawled into bed again. Alone, scared, torn with pain. I didn’t want anything anymore, what else did I have to do?

We texted and still called. Both torn and crying again and again we told them we were already sorry. In the evening you were sitting on the couch with me again. Cozy again, as of old. But you also went home on time. It is no longer the way it was. I miss you already. You have plans, want it to be okay. But is it still possible? Time will tell.
I know that if all the problems were not there you and I were a match of the century together. We were so strongly connected. Real love, soulmates. I will never find this again.

I will never forget you and I cherish our beautiful time together. I love you, yes forever.

I hope you will find your happiness, because you deserve it. You are a special man and I would like to have many beautiful years with you.

Bye my dearest.

A kiss from your impossible but true love.

My tip: cherish the one you have so many feelings for. because really it is only one in your entire life